Who do females like mobile phones??

 

Nope. Y?

Because females can use it both ways?:P :P :sneaky:

:laugh3:

 

 

See...you ARE evil :P

Not really a joke....but a very funny video....too bad it doesn't have sound...

 

It's called 'How not to rob a liquor store'

 

http://www.glumbert.com/media/badrobber

Did you ever wonder what a husband does while he is in a store waiting

on his wife to shop?

 

(This is taken from an actual letter)

 

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

 

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with

us

again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of

offenses

over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.

 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in

people's

carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at

5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

restrooms.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

tone,

"Code 3' in Housewares!"..... and watched what happened.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of

M&M's on lay away.

 

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted

area.

 

7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods

department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll

bring

pillows from the Bedding department.

 

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to

cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

 

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a

mirror, and picked his nose.

 

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked

the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

 

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming

the "Mission Impossible" theme.

 

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"

using different size funnels.

 

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

 

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices

again!!!!"

 

....and; last, but not least

 

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited

awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

:laugh3:

Wonderful!

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

 

 

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00

(with monthly payments of $560.00).

 

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin.

It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course, the new NAVIGATOR.

 

They decide they want to make a natural looking open

water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

 

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

 

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of

dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to

run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast,

along with the Navigator), decide on the following course

of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a

mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far

away as possible.

 

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG....???

 

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used

for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

 

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

 

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough

to stop a Black Lab.The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

 

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

 

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

 

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake,

leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe

this just happened" looks on their faces.

 

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

 

 

 

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

:o :laugh3:

That's really smart.

But I bet that was one purdy Navigator!!

 

:rolleyes:

^A typical Mark post!!

 

You just have to make purdy in italics!!

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement

park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The

ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man

took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was

absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he

bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked

what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought

the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a

headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so

early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a

nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came

to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful

Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way

home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they

each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the

registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or

so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

 

(lame :) :rolleyes: )

^:laugh4::laugh4:

An old man walks into a bank and says to the

woman at the window,

"I want to open a damn checking account."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your

pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.

What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a

damn checking account now!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language

is not tolerated in this bank."

 

The teller leaves the window and goes

over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

 

The manager agrees that the teller does not

have to listen to that foul language.

 

They both return to the window and the

manager asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says.

I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery

and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

 

" I see, " says the manager " and is this

bitch giving you a hard time?"

^ :laugh3:

An old man walks into a bank and says to the

woman at the window,

"I want to open a damn checking account."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your

pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.

What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a

damn checking account now!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language

is not tolerated in this bank."

 

The teller leaves the window and goes

over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

 

The manager agrees that the teller does not

have to listen to that foul language.

 

They both return to the window and the

manager asks the old geezer,

"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says.

I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery

and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

 

" I see, " says the manager " and is this

bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

 

LMAO!!! a great one!!!

I loved the "I wanna be weighed" one! :lol:

 

Ok, Ok, this isn't actually a joke but on the news last night there was this guy that was attacked by a mob on "Friendly Drive." :laugh3: It's amazing how the reporter kept a straight face!

Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Farmer: This dog don't talk!

Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?

Dog: Doin alright

Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)

Dog: Yep.

Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and

takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Farmer: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Farmer: Horses don't talk!

Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?

Horse: Cool.

Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)

Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)

Horse: Yep.

Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the

elements.

Farmer: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?

Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them

sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great

expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd

take it and throw it into the river."

 

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine

in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

 

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the

world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

 

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with

a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:

"Shall We Gather at the River."

 

:laugh3:

:laugh3:

Christmas Carols For The Disturbed

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

 

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

 

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

 

* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

 

* 6. Paranoid ---Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

 

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

 

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy.... oooh look at the sparkly lights - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

 

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - -Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jin gle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Christmas Carols For The Disturbed

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

 

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

 

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

 

* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

 

* 6. Paranoid ---Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

 

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

 

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy.... oooh look at the sparkly lights - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

 

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - -Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jin gle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

 

Excellent one :laugh3:

For three years, the young attorney had been taking hisbrief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'dfinally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged hissuitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you werepregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, wecould have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!""Well," she said, "when my folks found out about mycondition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' anddecided it would be better to have a bastard in thefamily than a lawyer!"

Ohh snap! :laugh3: