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The Critics' Template.


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Now that we've got a few "reputable" dead-tree blogs (aka "newspapers") reviewing VLVODAAHF, let's tear apart the critics. Begin by noticing these criticisms are mostly directed at the persons behind the music (ad hominem for you logic-lovers our there). Here are some of the common tid bits I've noticed they enjoy pulling from their bag of tricks:


1. Chris Martin is married to Gwyneth Paltrow. (TIME magazine)

By citing this irrelevant fact again and again, reviewers are planting a seed in the minds of readers that encourages a connection with Hollywood, and the fast-paced, superficial lifestyle it represents. Therefore, Coldplay's music is manufactured tripe like the latest big-explosion action movie.


2. Chris Martin and "the boys" (they don't have names) are "well bred". (Mirror)

How quaint. Because Coldplay don't sport the battle scars of a real musician (50 Cent?) we can assume their music is just too safe to enjoy. It's like... why smoke the Marlboro when the unfiltered Lucky Strike is available for the taking! Come on! Be a man, listen to something weirder!


3. Coldplay are just "stadium rockers", and only generate "anthems" for the "masses". (Independent)

Come again? If it's so simple, why haven't you written your own album of stadium-fillers, Andy Gill? Oh yeah, because you're a writer. You're the first in line to get laid off when your paper's circulation drops. I guess that's what you do with an English major these days.


4. Coldplay hired Brian Eno for big bucks! No fair! (Mirror)

So here we get this impression that Eno is the musical equivalent to a hired-assassin/mercenary. That's pretty badass. But seriously, Eno is friends with the band. Plus, I'm sure he's friends with lots of other bands and he's available to produce their albums as well. Nothing's stopping it from happening. Hell, I got Brian Eno to mow my lawn last week.


5. Coldplay's lyrics suck. (Independent)

Oh dear. Coldplay write about this and that, being lost and being found, X&Y, whatever. You get the impression these reviewers were expecting to hear a Dickens novel sung at them. What about Viva la Vida? Carefully overlook that lyrical masterpiece, and while you're at it, ignore the fact Radiohead recently did a song about "weird fishes". Smart lyrics, indeed.


6. Martin looks at the camera lens with a magnifying glass. I have little doubt he sees people rushing to acclaim this album’s greatness the way one magazine did with X & Y. (Mirror)

So are you reviewing publicity photos, or music? I'm happy that you, the brilliant writer of this piece, have seen through Chris Martin's cunning deviousness to deliver the truth! That Coldplay are actually not as good as we were told! Because... you know... every other review is effusive with praise. Or something.


7. The songs are "empty Coldplay music".

Ah yes, there's not enough to it, is there? The music is just so... something but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'll use the word "empty" to describe it, because that pretty well covers what I mean. If pressed by the teacher for details, I'll feign illness or create a distraction.



Feel free to add your own! It's fun critiquing the critics.

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i agree with you!



they're not only trying to diss coldplay also they're fighting like yesterday it happened to me a guy came and started fire against me all over the board by posting my PM to him all over and over again.


like i don't have anything against him to do or tell.


But you know i don't mind it.


Because these are all nothing than just useless.


But the people and society is so mind boggling.:embarassed:




and yeah also some people always mentions Chris's wife and children even though there is not a necessity always.


please think here if you're a musician in a band you'll be having a hell lot of things to handle with and that too you're a frontman then you've to manage bandmembers,their needs along with yours,you have to accept what they're saying,listen to people,convince them that's important.manage with critics.


do everything applying intelligence.

deal with all interviews,TV,Radio,magazines and all the stuff that comes over.


and yeah fans.


So now they've to play world wide venues.


there will be lot of people who'll judge and pass over their statements to you.


So having these many responisiblities does he still gonna write about his wife and kids?




and empty lyrics??



what does that mean only that guy should really tell.


he've to say whether he really thought before passing that faint comment or not or he really actually likes Coldplay.


the answer is no because if not then he'ld not have given such a bad review and annoyed us.:thinking:

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I agree completely! Thanks for this thread. These are more articles about personalities than true reviews...


I have some good news! I won over a NON Coldplay fan lastnight! After my friend heard the album last night here at the house, she ordered VLVADOAHF from iTunes. Her FIRST Coldplay album.


Her reaction was and I quote, "This is Coldplay? WOW! Its really good!" I tried to convince her to purchase AROBTTH as well, but she declined... LOL. She'll change her mind I think.


And Saffire, YOU are hillarious... I always love your posts.

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The British Papers Rush To Start The Coldplay Backlash




From time to time, we like to round up the all-important, all-summarizing last sentences of the biggest new-music reviews. Today's special edition of the Last Word features the immediate British press reaction to the new Coldplay, Vida La Vida,which leaked Wednesday night and is out June 17:


• "I can imagine Chris pulling at his hair as the band perfected every single second of Viva La Vida. They set out to make a musical equivalent of a work of art—and succeeded. They've come a long way since singing about the colour yellow." [The Sun]


• "But for those who are prepared to take Coldplay at face value, to presume unless there is evidence to the contrary that this an honest collection of songs from a band doing what they know best, Viva La Vida is a bright, warm, rich and strikingly memorable album." [The Telegraph]


• "At its best, however, Viva la Vida poses an interesting question: do you need to be cool or experimental if you can write songs that carry the listener along regardless of their reservations—indeed, almost despite them?" [The Guardian]


• "The purported passing of their former style, however, has been greatly exaggerated, though whether the attempt here to chart a new musical course will lead anywhere as imposing remains to be heard. This is pretty average stuff." [The Independent]



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Interesting thread. Very interesting.


Music critics, in-the-main, tend to hate almost anything other than Radiohead. They like to take a promising young act, like CP circa 2000, build them up and up and up and up.......then on every album that they do after their first for the rest of their lives tear it down and down and down and down until they're in the same gutter as the critics. It doesn't matter if your music is so good as to make Mozart look like a bad disco version of Britney Spears (both had pigtails, hence comparison), they'll never love you and only resent your success.


Those who can't do, critique. Very true. And, let's be honest, who the hell actually listens to critics anymore?

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The Mirror's review really showcases that critic's capability to decide what exactly constitutes a song to have 'empty lyrics'. He would obviously know best. After all, he wrote the emptiest review I have yet to read on the album, so by now he should be an expert on the subject.

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Haha, I'm getting wild ideas that these music critics are writing complete trite about Coldplay music just cuz their colleagues from the photography dept (the paps!) are getting beaten up by Chris, and cuz Chris treats the media like his bitches, never truly being serious in interviews and stuff... lol.


I mean, how else can they say such unfair things about Coldplay's music? Sure, some people might not like it, and I totally respect that, but to say that their music is 'empty' and that their 'lyrics suck' when so many people are touched and moved by Coldplay's music renders these statements made by these critics into a complete pile of poo nuggets.

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You know, they can say what they want, it's just a point of view, for me, the album is definitely great, with a little change in style but keeping the Coldplay flavour in the melodies. Viva la vida!

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That thing about Coldplay "struggling to stay interesting" really baffles me. It's so cynical. I mean, how do you work that out just by listening to music? How does a band sound like they're trying to write good music? What makes Radiohead's music sound like they aren't trying to sound interesting? Surely wanting to sound interesting is natural?


Now I can completely see why a critic would slag off X&Y, but this is a markedly different record but they don't seem to have picked that up. Why? Probably because they don't want to and the reviews were written before they'd even listened to the record.


One thing I'd say about these reviews is: don't get someone who already dislikes Coldplay to review a Coldplay record! It doesn't make any sense!

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all The UK news papers critics they'll always act as a stalkers to Chris' wife or kids!



they think its all hollywood but not music that people wanna listen.


so they'll always write reviews like that they'll yeah always be.


So knowing this its a waste of time caring these reviews they've written.

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Yeah, well, a band like Coldplay is bound to get lots of bad critics for 2 reasons:


1) They're so famous that almost everyone knows about them, and everyone doesn't have the same taste in music


2) Critics earn a living from their columns, and the more controversal they write, the more people will read it, their words will be debated over and over again, and as a result, their job is secured.



I think it absolutely doesn't matter what critics write, it's always interesting to hear anothers thoughts, but that certainly won't change your opinion, and that's the only opinion that counts.

It sometimes gets frustrating when a critic writes stuff that border with idiotism, but then all you can do is laugh and turn the other page.

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Basically, it's not cool to like Coldplay, and the critics aren't brave enough to say or write anything uncool. It's as simple as that. If the "brainless, uneducated" masses like Coldplay, then the "elite, educated" critics certainly cannot possibly agree. The critics already know the two first singles from VLV have been a hit, so they know the "brainless, uneducated masses" are going to be buying the new CD. Therefore, VLV has to be shit, and so the critics ramble on trying to justify a harsh opinion that in reality is unjustifiable. When the critics and Perez Hilton are on the same page, you know something is off!


I pray the band can say fuck the critics and mean it.

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