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Braddock's Jokes Thread


Prince Myshkin

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A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"

"Yeah, why? How do you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the pub."

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about

psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

 

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of

crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and

sad at the same time."

 

She replied: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis. "

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about

psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

 

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of

crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and

sad at the same time."

 

She replied: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis. "

 

:laugh3:!!

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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

 

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

 

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

 

The guy replied, "24 years."

 

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

 

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

 

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

 

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

 

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

 

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!"

 

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear!Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

 

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

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what's the most offensive joke you guys know?

obviously the one i started with wasn't the most offensive one i know, but i figured we'd start off slow.

 

i don't know if i could say mine on here.

(dead baby jokes don't count because they've lost all meaning and are too predictable)

 

I have some male chauvinist friends, so I know a bunch of sexist jokes.

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I know this one: In Mexico, iwhen you play hide&seek, when you find some one you go: "1,2,3 for this person that's hidden behind this thing"

so there was this joke:

1,2,3 for Ricky Martin that just came out of the closet

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