Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

:lol: :rolleyes:

TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257

 

BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...

 

DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.

 

JUDGE: To what?

 

DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.

 

PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also

have no objections at this time.

 

DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some-

thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.

 

PROSECUTION: The people do not.

 

DEFENSE: Do too.

 

PROSECUTION: Do not.

 

DEFENSE: Do too.

 

DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!

 

JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.

 

PROSECUTION: Where were we?

 

JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."

 

PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.

 

DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the

defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F.

Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.

 

PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe

that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.

 

(A murmer runs through the courtroom.)

 

JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this

courtroom!

 

BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.

 

PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly

ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving.

The people request permission to stick him with a pin.

 

JUDGE: I'll allow it.

 

F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssss

 

JUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat-

able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.

 

DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.

 

JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?

 

DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV

show!

 

JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.

 

DEFENSE: Which one?

 

JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.

 

PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your

book advance.

 

EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is

$350,000.

 

PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?

 

EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.

 

DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to

play us.

 

PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis-

sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.

 

DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be

played by Demi Moore?

 

PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.

 

JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.

 

PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?

 

EXPERT WITNESS: I am.

 

PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this

way, or the way the people wore it before?

 

EXPERT WITNESS: This way.

 

JUDGE: What about my beard?

 

EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more

impressive facial hair on a coconut.

 

(Laughter.)

 

JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?

 

BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.

 

JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.

 

PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you

identify this item for the court?

 

EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging

to the defendant.

 

DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!

 

PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.

 

EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either

way.

 

PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert

words, what "DNA" stands for?

 

EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.

 

PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as

an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or

poppy seed at the scene of the...

 

EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?

 

JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!

 

(Another murmer runs through the court.)

 

GUN: BANG!

 

BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!

 

DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National

Enquirer.

 

JUDGE: I'll allow it.

 

PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to

track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask

the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.

 

JUDGE: Of course.

 

DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we

cannot...

 

JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night

and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a

virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been

laid!!"

 

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't

worry about you."

 

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11

o'clock...12 o'clock...

 

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs

Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

 

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

 

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with

her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck

between her legs looking at herself.

 

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

 

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it

came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the

time of your life!!!"

 

*Sick :freak: :laugh3:

Haha Byron :laugh3:

 

Ok here's one:-

 

Once a girl removes her jeans,throws them at her boyfriend and says,"Make me feel like a wife."

 

The boyfriend removes his jeans too,throws them at her and says,"Wash both jeans!"

 

:D

Haha Byron :laugh3:

 

Ok here's one:-

 

Once a girl removes her jeans,throws them at her boyfriend and says,"Make me feel like a wife."

 

The boyfriend removes his jeans too,throws them at her and says,"Wash both jeans!"

 

:D

 

I've heard this one :laugh3:

:laugh3: Ohh snap!

Ed Was In Trouble

 

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told

him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that

goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

 

 

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on

her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the

house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Ed has been missing since Friday.

^^:laugh3:

:lol:

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman

and the other, a Chihuahua.

 

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman saidto her

friend "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got

dogs with us."

 

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a

pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

 

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This

is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

 

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him

that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult,

but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses

and started to walk in.

 

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking

Chihuahua?!"

Ed Was In Trouble

 

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told

him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that

goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

 

 

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on

her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the

house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Ed has been missing since Friday.

 

Haha, we have this in finnish too.. my dad loves this joke :P

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll

 

leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

 

 

 

 

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.

 

 

 

 

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

 

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

 

 

 

 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he

 

discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen, but,

 

just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the

 

repairman go about his work.

 

 

 

 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant

 

yelling, cursing and name calling.

 

 

 

 

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

 

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

 

 

 

 

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

 

 

 

See, some men just don't listen!

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart

covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

 

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

 

When all eyes turned to him,

 

he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral...

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a gynecologist." ...........................

 

 

 

 

That's when the proctologist fainted !!

Oh my....:laugh3:

do any of you like dead baby jokes?

I went to the zoo the other day because I had nothing to do.

However, I was schocked to discover the zoo only had one animal on exhibit, and that was a solitary dog.............................

 

Yes - you've guessed it. It was a shitzu!!:rolleyes:

Ummm..:lol:?

:cool:

 

woo.

:cool:

 

woo.

 

No - zoo!!:P

why life is a complex??

 

hihi...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

because there is a real part and an imaginary part

:laugh3:

At least I'm not the only one bored enough to bump threads :lol:

very funny your joke

 

lol:laugh3:

i really bore so i prefer laughing than doing nothing

 

do you have a joke?? ( a real one this time;))

I went to the zoo the other day because I had nothing to do.

However, I was schocked to discover the zoo only had one animal on exhibit, and that was a solitary dog.............................

 

Yes - you've guessed it. It was a shitzu!!:rolleyes:

 

 

 

:laugh3: Aaaahahahaha.

 

 

 

....*still giggling*

I don't know how many people will get this :confused: but it's a really popular song here.

 

OMG who killed superman?!

YOOOOOUUU!

 

 

Get it? :P

I don't know how many people will get this :confused: but it's a really popular song here.

 

OMG who killed superman?!

YOOOOOUUU!

 

 

Get it? :P

 

Did Superman crank it too much? :P :lol: