I have a problem (and answers to questions about having a neutral gender)

[MaxRide]

I don't think it's offensive, I just think that when you're young you are developing a lot and everything's really unclear. I know, I've been there. It's not that you're unsure, but the chemical makeup that makes you (x) could mean (y) later.

Well, in a way, it's invalidating my/other people's identity, by, essentially, saying that the identity doesn't exist.

(bisexuality is probably a good example of this: a lot of people, believe it or not, don't think that it exists)

 

(I know that you weren't trying to offend me, Emma :kiss:)

 

General, big-picture, Anna. Most of us are trying to help, not here for sex ed.

:shrug:

 

I've spent waaay too much of my time researching non-binary genders, so I'm sorry in advance if I become too specific.

[EmmaLouiseSmyth]

Yeah...I really hate how heavily people are divided into gender roles. bad society. :snobby:

 

In terms of my asexuality, I just...sort of know. I mean, I don't even see anyone as visually attractive (for lack of a better way to put it, I can identify the qualities that people see as "attractive," but I, myself, am not attracted to them), let alone romantically [aromantic] or sexually.

 

Also, the whole "being too young to know" thing is potentially offensive; it's almost [but not exactly, for obvious reasons] like saying to a gay person, "oh, you're too young to know that you're gay." Trust me, I know. :P

I was exactly the same way. I'm like "oh that person is pretty looking... yuppp that's it". Nothing more than that. I don't know, the idea of anyone being attracted to someone sexually at a young age... well I just find it odd, hahaha.

 

Sure you know yourself better than anyone else.

[Brent]

*just wanted to point out that there are six year olds who know that they're gay..and label themselves*

 

I will admit, it has taken me a while to realize what my gender identity, but I'm pretty confident with it at this point.

 

(and to all the other people who have posted in this thread...I haven't gotten around to mentioning/replying to you all, but THANK YOU ALL *giant hugs for everyone*)

 

Yeah, you're right. I had an ex who basically came out of the womb with jazz hands and a pink leotard.

 

:shrug:

 

I've spent waaay too much of my time researching non-binary genders, so I'm sorry in advance if I become too specific.

 

Yeah, I took a queer theory class in college. It's actually really complicated.

[Batman]

Sex = Physical sex (penis/vagina/whatever)

 

Gender = How you identify (i.e girly girls vs. tomboys, etc)

AH thanks for that! I certainly need to improve my English vocabulary in this field :nod:

[Alien Radio]

*hugs*

Props to you for being honest and mustering enough courage to tell us this.

I remember I had a hard time accepting myself as a gay.

I wish you all the best!

 

I'm not publicly out so I can't really give you advices though.

 

What about telling them at the same time during dinner or something? And try to be really honest with them. Explain them how you don't really fit to any gender or so...

 

I think that "gender-neutral" or "asexual" is something that is less of a shock for parents than someone who is lesbain/gay/transgender because it is 'normal' for someone to choose to be by themselves as opposed to with the same sex, or as a different sex. So they just picture you as someone on their own. And most of the time they won't much care because you'll be happy.

 

I came out to my parents in a way I'm not too proud of: I dragged it out over about a couple weeks. Do not do as I did. Be direct, blunt, assertive. I was like "hey I uhhh might be gay or something I don't know mehhhrrrrr" and it was just awkward. My dad called me "curious," asking if he should have "raised me differently" and it was just really embarrassing and confusing. I was just uncomfortable, and as a result, my relationship with my father took a blow.

 

So I guess the first step is to be comfortable with yourself before you expect other people to be comfortable with it, because it's a lot of work. I'm still not "out" with a lot of people, and in fact, I think this is the first time I've addressed it directly on here although I've alluded to it in the past. People on the internet can be kind of cruel, and I still don't really speak freely about it because it's not really a defining personality attribute. I used to even switch genders: Like, if I were talking about a boyfriend or something I'd address him as a "her" so that I wouldn't be hit with labels and stupid stuff. But it doesn't much matter.

 

That being said, you're very young, so you can probably wait a little while before doing it. I don't really know your specific situation, and I don't know if it's a nagging presence in your head or if it's something you can wait until you're more comfortable with. Because it seems to me that this is a very recent development in your life. If I "came out" to my parents or whatever at that age it wouldn't have ended well because I was in the midst of ~blossoming~ into ~manhood~ which was weird.

 

Bottom line: Don't rush it.

 

But if you need someone to talk to about it, drop me a line.

 

Can't tell if joking or being serious about you being gay :p

But you make good points

 

:facepalm:

 

I may be [relatively] young, but I know who I am. Heck, I've known that I've been asexual for almost a year now; I just learned of the term that fit me best in terms of gender more recently (though I've never really "fit in" in terms of either binary gender).

 

I didn't know I was gay until I turned 15.

[Brent]

^ Well I think a lot of Americans and native-speakers don't even know the difference. Queer theory isn't much addressed in health classes and sex ed and stuff.

 

*hugs*

 

Can't tell if joking or being serious about you being gay :p

But you make good points

 

Yes I'm joking because it's so hilarious to make my sexuality a joke LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@#3@#\\

 

But yes I'm gay. It's just not really a relevant topic of conversation most of the time.

[MaxRide]

I was exactly the same way. I'm like "oh that person is pretty looking... yuppp that's it". Nothing more than that. I don't know, the idea of anyone being attracted to someone sexually at a young age... well I just find it odd, hahaha.

 

Sure you know yourself better than anyone else.

Oh, I don't even see "that person is pretty looking." i am blind. :P

 

This is a terrible way to explain it (and I really am not trying to be offensive, honestly, I just can't come up with a better example :embarrassed:), but this is what I see when looking at people:

 

"normal-looking" = what most people see as extraordinarily pretty

"almost normal-looking" = the majority of human beings (including myself, but really, most people that I've seen in my area fall into this "category:)

and then, in gradients, all the way down to

"this person looks absolutely ugly" [when it is not related to injury/illness/genetic conditions like Down Syndrome]

 

...I probably just came off as a terribly rude person, but honest to god, I don't know how else to say it. :uhoh2:

[James.]

Well, that is a very interesting situation! :surprised: I mostly agree with what others have said, so there's not much help I can offer :laugh3: Your parents should be understanding, I mean it's not as if you're telling them you are pregnant or been expelled from school.

One day, you might change your mind but if you're sure now about this then I'm sure there's no harm in telling them now, and then later on telling them you've changed your mind. :shrug:

 

I know a guy who might have a similar 'condition' (is that the right word? :uhoh:) He doesn't seem to like either sexes, so me and my friends figured that he's asexual and I guess he's aromantic too. The thing is, he's completely ignorant of anything relating to sex/romance etc and acts overly disgusted or offended whenever anyone mentions anything slightly sexual (even if someone just says the F word). I'm wondering if this is common for people who are asexual/aromantic/whatever because he can be really hostile about it, and you seem like a really nice and friendly person Anna. :nice:

[MaxRide]

*hugs*

Props to you for being honest and mustering enough courage to tell us this.

I remember I had a hard time accepting myself as a gay.

I wish you all the best!

 

I'm not publicly out so I can't really give you advices though.

 

What about telling them at the same time during dinner or something? And try to be really honest with them. Explain them how you don't really fit to any gender or so...

 

I didn't know I was gay until I turned 15.

aww I don't have courage at all, I just feel more comfortable on the internet :blush:

 

I was actually planning to tell them during dinner on Friday night, so that idea is spot-on! :thumbsup: I just have to tell my youngest half-brother [who is 27] and his fiance before this Saturday, since...well, they're having an engagement dinner/party, and I don't exactly want to be a flower girl or anything. :uhoh2:

 

I've actually kind of known that I wasn't attracted to anyone for a really long time, I just didn't have a word for it. My gender issues are more recent.

[MaxRide]

Well, that is a very interesting situation! :surprised: I mostly agree with what others have said, so there's not much help I can offer :laugh3: Your parents should be understanding, I mean it's not as if you're telling them you are pregnant or been expelled from school.

One day, you might change your mind but if you're sure now about this then I'm sure there's no harm in telling them now, and then later on telling them you've changed your mind. :shrug:

 

I know a guy who might have a similar 'condition' (is that the right word? :uhoh:) He doesn't seem to like either sexes, so me and my friends figured that he's asexual and I guess he's aromantic too. The thing is, he's completely ignorant of anything relating to sex/romance etc and acts overly disgusted or offended whenever anyone mentions anything slightly sexual (even if someone just says the F word). I'm wondering if this is common for people who are asexual/aromantic/whatever because he can be really hostile about it, and you seem like a really nice and friendly person Anna. :nice:

You should probably say sexuality rather than condition...I mean, it doesn't personally offend me, but I'd be careful about using correct terminology around others. :wink:

 

As for being repulsed, well, I'm not really one of those asexuals. I mean, granted, I find sex/romance in general to be really weird/occasionally disgusting, but I'm not hostile about it (at least I like to think that I'm not). Heck, if anything, I have an overly perverted mind. :lol:

[MaxRide]

I was just looking up genderqueer the other day :awesome: What a coincidence.

 

Anyway, I personally think sitting both parents down and telling them straight out is a good way of going about it. Sounds like writing a letter didn't make them take you seriously? I don't know :P

I think trying to find a way to explain how you feel in simple terms, or a way that your parents will understand will be helpful. I don't think many people actually know about all this genderqueer/ asexual stuff and it can be very confusing for a non asexual person to understand how you feel about genders and sex.

yay genderqueer! :awesome:

 

Well, my dad didn't even read the letter, and my mom doesn't really understand asexuality very well, so I probably won't be doing that again. :P

 

Oh, yeah: I need help with metaphors. I'm terrible at explaining things, but I love using metaphors. Metaphors would be nice. :nod:

 

First of all, I admire your guts for telling this on the forum :thumbsup:

As you say in your first post, some people might think like 'lol, you're cold' but really, don't give a shit, it's their loss! :angry:

 

In my family people have luckily reacted very nice to gender issues. A niece of mine came out at a pretty young age (she used to be my nephew) and as far as I know everyone was cool with it. Her parents helped her through the whole process and supported her. Another niece of mine is now at the verge of coming out as a gay. I know already but most of the family doesn't :S but hearing my parents and sister, I am sure no one will make a fuss about that either. In high school I even had a friend who like you did not feel attracted to any gender. But she is now married and just got a baby, so in her case it was a phase or she was just very late with developing attraction to people. I'm not saying that you are in a phase and will grow over it! I know you're young, but sometimes people know from the start and it is like that. My niece knew from a young age and she still feels completely woman.

 

But having said that, I agree with Brent that this doesn't have to be rushed. I read from your posts that you figured it out already completely and that you are certain of it, but your parents and others might think that this is 'just a phase' because you're still young. I don't know, I really hope your parents will accept you completely as you are. I also hope that your mum has addressed the letter to your dad. I think the best way to deal it is to talk with them. Both at the same time.

 

Good luck with it all!

I just wanted to say something: just because an asexual person doesn't experience sexual attraction doesn't mean that they are celibate. Asexual people are still able to have sex [most of the time, anyway]. :wink:

 

Again, everyone, you are SO HELPFUL AWW :hug: At this point, I just need more concrete advice.

like, I don't know, a speech or something

[James.]

I just wanted to say something: just because an asexual person doesn't experience sexual attraction doesn't mean that they are celibate. Asexual people are still able to have sex [most of the time, anyway]. :wink:

 

I never knew that :surprised:

[MaxRide]

^ Oh, it can happen. For instance, there are actually a relatively large amount of asexual people who have [consensual, obviously] sex in order to make their [sexual] significant other feel more satisfied. (also, sex drive /=/ sexual attraction]

 

This pretty much applies only for those asexuals who experience romantic attraction (which I have no idea how to explain), though...aromantic and asexual people rarely have that type of relationship. :shrug:

[MaxRide]

~gender and sexuality 101~

[Violet]

A lot of people have given some great advice in this thread, so I don't feel like I have much to add.

 

I'm not sure if talking about it over dinner is a good idea, though, just based on personal experience. Revealing yourself as a neutral gender/genderless/whatever you want to call it is a pretty serious thing, and as such, I think it's something that should be discussed without distractions such as food. Just sit them down, take a deep breath, and thoroughly explain to them your feelings.

 

Also, give your parents time in terms of accepting this newfound information. While you feel comfortable expressing yourself as a neutrois, your parents still view you as their little girl, so this may be difficult for them at first. I'm not saying they'll reject or disown you (if they love you, they shouldn't); it's just a lot to take in, y'know?

 

(Sorry about making assumptions about your folks without knowing you or them that well, but I tend to use past experiences to explain what I mean, and it's something I have a tendency to do.)

 

Also, there were a couple of questions I had concerning your gender status (as genderqueerness (?) is something very new for me, and I'm interested to know more), but I don't know how to ask them without offending you in some way. :embarrassed:

[MaxRide]

^ I'll probably do it right before dinner, then. :shrug: In any case, FRIDAY EVENING YEAH~

 

I don't even know what my dad thinks of gender and sexuality issues; I know my mom doesn't really care (she actually told me on Sunday that she wouldn't have been surprised if I had come out to her as lesbian instead of asexual. :wtf: but :lol:), but I don't know about my dad. I mean, sexuality, he knows about (and is pretty comfortable discussing), but gender...I'm not so sure.

 

It's alright, Violet, ask away! :nice: It's great that you want to know more.

[Violet]

Well, I mean, they're not even relevant to the main point of the thread, and I feel like they're stupid questions, but at the same time, I'm just curious. As we live in a two-gender society, I was never taught about this, so there are a lot of things I don't understand. It reminds me of how I felt when I first learned about homosexuality (I was a sheltered child, and my parents are homophobes, so I didn't even truly understand the concept until a very good friend of mine came out to me in my sophomore year of high school.), but more so.

 

Anyway, I guess I'll go ahead and ask, since I've already brought it up.

 

1. You said in an earlier post (and I read on the Wiki page you referenced) that you and other people preferred to be referred to as "they" or "them." Are there alternate ways of referring to genderqueer people? When I think of referring to singular people as "they," I start thinking of "Anthem" by Ayn Rand. "We are Equality 7-2521. They are Liberty 5-3000." It just seems odd to me, and yet referring to you as "it" seems even more offensive because it sounds like I'm objectifying you or something, which is not what I'm trying to do. :bigcry:

 

2. While you are, as you say, a neutral gender/genderless, you still carry a name that our society deems to be a feminine name. Is it common practice for people of this nature to change their names to something else to reflect that, and would you consider doing that yourself?

 

I'm sorry if this offends you or anyone else. I feel really silly/embarrassed asking these things. :embarrassed:

[MaxRide]

Well, I mean, they're not even relevant to the main point of the thread, and I feel like they're stupid questions, but at the same time, I'm just curious. As we live in a two-gender society, I was never taught about this, so there are a lot of things I don't understand. It reminds me of how I felt when I first learned about homosexuality (I was a sheltered child, and my parents are homophobes, so I didn't even truly understand the concept until a very good friend of mine came out to me in my sophomore year of high school.), but more so.

 

Anyway, I guess I'll go ahead and ask, since I've already brought it up.

 

1. You said in an earlier post (and I read on the Wiki page you referenced) that you and other people preferred to be referred to as "they" or "them." Are there alternate ways of referring to genderqueer people? When I think of referring to singular people as "they," I start thinking of "Anthem" by Ayn Rand. "We are Equality 7-2521. They are Liberty 5-3000." It just seems odd to me, and yet referring to you as "it" seems even more offensive because it sounds like I'm objectifying you or something, which is not what I'm trying to do. :bigcry:

 

2. While you are, as you say, a neutral gender/genderless, you still carry a name that our society deems to be a feminine name. Is it common practice for people of this nature to change their names to something else to reflect that, and would you consider doing that yourself?

 

I'm sorry if this offends you or anyone else. I feel really silly/embarrassed asking these things. :embarrassed:

Don't feel silly! Trust me, I didn't even fully understand gender until this summer...and I still don't completely. Gender is freaking complicated.

 

(oh, just to make this clear: genderqueer = not exclusively/at all (fe)male)

 

1) There are, in fact, so many ways to refer to genderqueer people that it's pretty hard for me to list them all. I'll just leave this list here (and yes, I know this is VERY LONG) there are so many neutral pronouns

 

Basically, I [and many other genderqueer/neutrois/otherwise outside the binary] find that most people are used to using "they" already, so it's the easiest pronoun to use. As evidenced by the list, though, different people have different preferences. Some people do actually use 'it' as their pronoun, though I haven't seen common usage.

 

2) Well, some genderqueer people do decide to change their name to a more "neutral" name (Mich, for example). However, there are plenty of people who do not; for example, there's a blogger by the name of Jillian who doesn't want to change their name, even though it is commonly regarded by society as feminine. I'm not exactly sure about the "average" of how many neutrois people want to change their name and those that do not, though. :shrug:

 

[side note: don't ask me why, but there seem to be a heck of a lot of neutrois/genderless-identifying people who were female assigned at birth [this is getting into specifics, which I can go into more detail if you want me to], and not so many male assigned at birth neutrois/genderless people]

 

As for me, Anna is actually used as a male name in the Frisian language (which is apparently used in Germany and the Netherlands). I have thought about going by A.J. in my close family, since the two letters are just my first and middle initials, but I felt a bit disconnected from my identity when I tried identifying myself that way. So, for now, Anna it is.

 

[another side note: though society "gives" names and clothes (which I know you didn't bring up, but I feel is necessary to mention) gender, clothes and names do not inherently have gender. I personally feel uncomfortable wearing overtly "feminine" clothes, but I could care less about my name's "inherent gender," so to speak)

 

woooo long post

[Violet]

Alright. That clears up some things for me. Thank you, Anna, for answering my questions and giving me additional info. I really appreciate it! :nice:

[MaxRide]

No problem! :nice:

[The Mad Hatter]

Yeah, you're right. I had an ex who basically came out of the womb with jazz hands and a pink leotard.

 

can i laugh without having to check my privilege???

[Brent]

No. You may only laugh at that joke if you are LGBTQJKSHBFLKJ>AD

[The Mad Hatter]

No. You may only laugh at that joke if you are LGBTQJKSHBFLKJ>AD

 

I'm sure I'm at least one of those things

[Wyrd]

I just wanted to say something: just because an asexual person doesn't experience sexual attraction doesn't mean that they are celibate. Asexual people are still able to have sex [most of the time, anyway]. :wink:

Oh I know. Sorry if my post gave that impression. I meant with the example that she was not attracted to people at all (sexually or romatically) but later on (starting university I believe) she did and she dated this guy she loves and finds attractive and she married him and they got a kid. So I am not saying that first she didn't have sex, then *whoops* she had a baby so she must have had sex so she's not asexual. Hahaha. She told me both, first that she never had any feeling whatsoever for someone, much later on, that she now does)

 

Maybe it will help to think of what you expect from your parents, once you've told them. Do you only want them to know or do you expect more of them?

 

And yes, here in the Netherlands guys are sometimes called Anna a well. I heard from an African guy at work that overthere they use it as a guy's name as well.

[Reilly]

Yeah...I really hate how heavily people are divided into gender roles. bad society. :snobby:

 

You wouldn't feel it is important enough to be genderqueer if it wasn't for this, you wouldn't have bothered thinking about it and lived your life as a woman happily. The whole thing is just ridiculous, from bi-genders who try to equally equate the superficial balance of having both male and female characteristics, which throws their opinion of the irrelevance of typical gender associations into hypocrisy. Then we have you, agender, which means you'll eventually cut your hair short and flatten down your breasts, but most importantly, you will persistently tell people that you're different.

 

I was just looking up genderqueer the other day :awesome: What a coincidence.

 

From Marie Pier's group chat, I wonder if she'd return to comment on this, I know she will definitely disagree with me however.