I have a problem (and answers to questions about having a neutral gender)

[MaxRide]

(before I say anything, I am not trying to be some kind of "special snowflake." I cannot control these parts of my identity in any way)

 

Well, first, a preface to the problem:

 

A lot of you reading this probably know that I'm asexual and aromantic already, but for those who don't: I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction at all. ("lol you're cold and you don't have a soul" no :|)

 

However, in the past few weeks, I've also figured out that I'm neutrois. This is really difficult for me to explain [look up "genderqueer" if you're curious], but, essentially, it means that I don't identify with either male or female genders. Instead, I identify as a neutral gender. [i'm still (BIRTH NAME REDACTED IN RETROSPECT), by the way; just use a singular "they/them" from now on :nice:]

 

Now, my actual problem:

 

I'm planning to come out to my parents as soon as possible. My mom already knows that I'm asexual and aromantic, though my dad doesn't, but neither of them know that I'm a gender other than male or female. I know that most of you reading this are, most likely, cisgender [as in, "I was born as a [fe]male, and I am comfortable as being seen as a [fe]male"], but if anyone could help me in any way, I would be grateful.

 

(Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me)

 

wow that was lousy but here goes anyway *posts thread*

 

EDIT: Well, this sort of morphed into a "ask about gender neutral people" thread, so ASK AWAY~

(also, as my GSA says, "all questions are welcome, but not all statements are")

[NumbersGirl]

So the help that you are looking for is, how to go about telling your parents?

 

First let me ask... how did your mom find out about the asexual/aromantic thing? Did you tell her or did she just "figure it out"? How does she know but your dad doesn't?

[MaxRide]

So the help that you are looking for is, how to go about telling your parents?

 

First let me ask... how did your mom find out about the asexual/aromantic thing? Did you tell her or did she just "figure it out"? How does she know but your dad doesn't?

Essentially, yes.

 

Well, I actually wrote out a letter to both of my parents explaining the asexual/aromantic thing (and put the letter in front of their bedroom door), but after my mom looked at the letter, she took it away from the door and buried it somewhere...so basically, my dad never read it. At least, not as far as I know.

[NumbersGirl]

Essentially, yes.

 

Well, I actually wrote out a letter to both of my parents explaining the asexual/aromantic thing (and put the letter in front of their bedroom door), but after my mom looked at the letter, she took it away from the door and buried it somewhere...so basically, my dad never read it. At least, not as far as I know.

In that case, I would say as a starting point, maybe approach your mom and tell her that you would like to actually have a conversation with both her and your dad regarding the note. Then she will probably indicate whether or not your dad saw the note. When you are able to sit down with both of them to talk about the note, you can mention this as well. No point in having two separate conversations, one to discuss a&b and the other to discuss c.

[MaxRide]

The thing is, I wrote the note about five months ago, and my mom has a pretty terrible memory. (I mean, she remembers that I'm asexual, but that's about it) :uhoh2:

[Brent]

I think that "gender-neutral" or "asexual" is something that is less of a shock for parents than someone who is lesbain/gay/transgender because it is 'normal' for someone to choose to be by themselves as opposed to with the same sex, or as a different sex. So they just picture you as someone on their own. And most of the time they won't much care because you'll be happy.

 

I came out to my parents in a way I'm not too proud of: I dragged it out over about a couple weeks. Do not do as I did. Be direct, blunt, assertive. I was like "hey I uhhh might be gay or something I don't know mehhhrrrrr" and it was just awkward. My dad called me "curious," asking if he should have "raised me differently" and it was just really embarrassing and confusing. I was just uncomfortable, and as a result, my relationship with my father took a blow.

 

So I guess the first step is to be comfortable with yourself before you expect other people to be comfortable with it, because it's a lot of work. I'm still not "out" with a lot of people, and in fact, I think this is the first time I've addressed it directly on here although I've alluded to it in the past. People on the internet can be kind of cruel, and I still don't really speak freely about it because it's not really a defining personality attribute. I used to even switch genders: Like, if I were talking about a boyfriend or something I'd address him as a "her" so that I wouldn't be hit with labels and stupid stuff. But it doesn't much matter.

 

That being said, you're very young, so you can probably wait a little while before doing it. I don't really know your specific situation, and I don't know if it's a nagging presence in your head or if it's something you can wait until you're more comfortable with. Because it seems to me that this is a very recent development in your life. If I "came out" to my parents or whatever at that age it wouldn't have ended well because I was in the midst of ~blossoming~ into ~manhood~ which was weird.

 

Bottom line: Don't rush it.

 

But if you need someone to talk to about it, drop me a line.

[Wyrd]

First of all, I admire your guts for telling this on the forum :thumbsup:

As you say in your first post, some people might think like 'lol, you're cold' but really, don't give a shit, it's their loss! :angry:

 

In my family people have luckily reacted very nice to gender issues. A niece of mine came out at a pretty young age (she used to be my nephew) and as far as I know everyone was cool with it. Her parents helped her through the whole process and supported her. Another niece of mine is now at the verge of coming out as a gay. I know already but most of the family doesn't :S but hearing my parents and sister, I am sure no one will make a fuss about that either. In high school I even had a friend who like you did not feel attracted to any gender. But she is now married and just got a baby, so in her case it was a phase or she was just very late with developing attraction to people. I'm not saying that you are in a phase and will grow over it! I know you're young, but sometimes people know from the start and it is like that. My niece knew from a young age and she still feels completely woman.

 

But having said that, I agree with Brent that this doesn't have to be rushed. I read from your posts that you figured it out already completely and that you are certain of it, but your parents and others might think that this is 'just a phase' because you're still young. I don't know, I really hope your parents will accept you completely as you are. I also hope that your mum has addressed the letter to your dad. I think the best way to deal it is to talk with them. Both at the same time.

 

Good luck with it all!

[Brent]

...and don't consider this a "problem." The fact that you call it a "problem" implies that it's a bad thing. It's not.

[MaxRide]

^ By "problem," I meant the issue of how to come out. :P I'm perfectly comfortable with my gender/[lack of]sexuality.

 

-I don't have much time to respond to things at the moment (I'll reply to a few things later), but thank you, lovely people! :nice:

[Blue Nails]

Well done posting this on a forum. It seems like you're confident and happy with who you are, that's very inspiring. :daisy: One of my best friends struggled for years while he secretly knew he was gay (and I did too, but he wouldn't admit it). When he finally came out, it was such a relief for all of us.

 

I don't know anyone who is neutrois or asexual, but I find it very interesting and I agree with Wyrd and Brent.

 

Maybe you can also explain to your parents in what way they can support you in this. Maybe you don't need any help, but parents always want to help their kids. Tell them what you need, even if it's something like 'be happy for me'.

 

When you're ready, talk with them. And keep talking, maybe not once but as often as you need, especially if you feel like they think it's just a phase. Tell them you're sure (if you are) and it's who you are and it's not going to change.

It might be easier to deal with for parents than being gay, but it's also less common, so it could be difficult for them to understand. Just explain everything. Communication is key.

 

Good luck! :nice:

[iccp]

(before I say anything, I am not trying to be some kind of "special snowflake." I cannot control these parts of my identity in any way)

 

Well, first, a preface to the problem:

 

A lot of you reading this probably know that I'm asexual and aromantic already, but for those who don't: I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction at all. ("lol you're cold and you don't have a soul" no :|)

 

However, in the past few weeks, I've also figured out that I'm neutrois. This is really difficult for me to explain [look up "genderqueer" if you're curious], but, essentially, it means that I don't identify with either male or female genders. Instead, I identify as a neutral gender. [i'm still Anna, by the way; just use a singular "they/them" from now on :nice:]

 

Now, my actual problem:

 

I'm planning to come out to my parents as soon as possible. My mom already knows that I'm asexual and aromantic, though my dad doesn't, but neither of them know that I'm a gender other than male or female. I know that most of you reading this are, most likely, cisgender [as in, "I was born as a [fe]male, and I am comfortable as being seen as a [fe]male"], but if anyone could help me in any way, I would be grateful.

 

(Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me)

 

wow that was lousy but here goes anyway *posts thread*

 

 

um....Anna? have you thought about this carefully? you may not actually be what you think....

[Batman]

Wait, so you actually have both genders? :surprised:

Or do you have certain body parts that make you biologically (fe)male but you don't feel you fit to any of them?

[Empily]

I was just looking up genderqueer the other day :awesome: What a coincidence.

 

Anyway, I personally think sitting both parents down and telling them straight out is a good way of going about it. Sounds like writing a letter didn't make them take you seriously? I don't know :P

I think trying to find a way to explain how you feel in simple terms, or a way that your parents will understand will be helpful. I don't think many people actually know about all this genderqueer/ asexual stuff and it can be very confusing for a non asexual person to understand how you feel about genders and sex.

[rhysisupwiththebirds]

The best way to do it is just say it straight to your parents. Seriously it's best just to be straight and say, this is me and I am who I am. They should understand :) and the best people will keep to you whatever happens :)

[MaxRide]

Wait, so you actually have both genders? :surprised:

Or do you have certain body parts that make you biologically (fe)male but you don't feel you fit to any of them?

Well, no, to the first part; in terms of gender, that's androgynous (or bigender/genderfluid..I have no idea, I'm not either :P), and in terms of biological sex, that would be intersex.

 

Your latter guess is pretty much spot-on. :nod: I kind of can't decide if I'm a neutral gender, or if I'm genderless (though I'm leaning much more heavily towards the former), but I'm definitely not female or male in terms of gender.

[MaxRide]

um....Anna? have you thought about this carefully? you may not actually be what you think....

:facepalm:

 

I may be [relatively] young, but I know who I am. Heck, I've known that I've been asexual for almost a year now; I just learned of the term that fit me best in terms of gender more recently (though I've never really "fit in" in terms of either binary gender).

[EmmaLouiseSmyth]

It must feel slightly awkward in today's society where boys and girls are divided so heavily into gender roles. It's nothing bad at all though. Like if you came out to our parents saying you have murderous tendencies, then that would be bad.

 

Also with the asexual thing, I feel that is just a matter of waiting. Seriously. I didn't even have a crush on someone until I was in my last months of highschool and first months of college. Let alone be with someone. I still don't think my boyfriend has gotten his head around that he was my first kiss at the age of 19, haha.

I know everyone is different, but you're still young :nice:

[Brent]

um....Anna? have you thought about this carefully? you may not actually be what you think....

 

Woah woah woah

 

Although I do think it's a bit early in your life for labels, Anna, it's important to be open with yourself regarding your physical development relative to cognitive identity. I wouldn't doubt the feelings you have. It's not really "thinking about it" like this person says, it's realizing it.

[Prospector]

Just be who you are, you'll probably never get confortable enough to say it to your parents, but once you get confortable with yourself that's all that really matters. You are still young, things can change. If you are totally sure of who you are, one day you gonna have to tell them, just don't rush it .... and good luck :nice:

[Brent]

Wait, so you actually have both genders? :surprised:

Or do you have certain body parts that make you biologically (fe)male but you don't feel you fit to any of them?

 

Sex = Physical sex (penis/vagina/whatever)

 

Gender = How you identify (i.e girly girls vs. tomboys, etc)

[MaxRide]

It must feel slightly awkward in today's society where boys and girls are divided so heavily into gender roles. It's nothing bad at all though. Like if you came out to our parents saying you have murderous tendencies, then that would be bad.

 

Also with the asexual thing, I feel that is just a matter of waiting. Seriously. I didn't even have a crush on someone until I was in my last months of highschool and first months of college. Let alone be with someone. I still don't think my boyfriend has gotten his head around that he was my first kiss at the age of 19, haha.

I know everyone is different, but you're still young :nice:

Yeah...I really hate how heavily people are divided into gender roles. bad society. :snobby:

 

In terms of my asexuality, I just...sort of know. I mean, I don't even see anyone as visually attractive (for lack of a better way to put it, I can identify the qualities that people see as "attractive," but I, myself, am not attracted to them), let alone romantically [aromantic] or sexually.

 

Also, the whole "being too young to know" thing is potentially offensive; it's almost [but not exactly, for obvious reasons] like saying to a gay person, "oh, you're too young to know that you're gay." Trust me, I know. :P

[MaxRide]

Sex = Physical sex (penis/vagina/whatever)

 

Gender = How you identify (i.e girly girls vs. tomboys, etc)

This is actually kind of incorrect...almost, but not quite.

 

Hank says it a lot better than I do:

 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXAoG8vAyzI&noredirect=1]Human Sexuality is Complicated... - YouTube[/ame]

[Brent]

Also, the whole "being too young to know" thing is potentially offensive; it's almost [but not exactly, for obvious reasons] like saying to a gay person, "oh, you're too young to know that you're gay." Trust me, I know. :P

 

I don't think it's offensive, I just think that when you're young you are developing a lot and everything's really unclear. I know, I've been there. It's not that you're unsure, but the chemical makeup that makes you (x) could mean (y) later.

[Brent]

This is actually kind of incorrect...almost, but not quite.

 

Hank says it a lot better than I do:

 

 

General, big-picture, Anna. Most of us are trying to help, not here for sex ed.

[MaxRide]

Woah woah woah

 

Although I do think it's a bit early in your life for labels, Anna, it's important to be open with yourself regarding your physical development relative to cognitive identity. I wouldn't doubt the feelings you have. It's not really "thinking about it" like this person says, it's realizing it.

*just wanted to point out that there are six year olds who know that they're gay..and label themselves*

 

I will admit, it has taken me a while to realize what my gender identity, but I'm pretty confident with it at this point.

 

(and to all the other people who have posted in this thread...I haven't gotten around to mentioning/replying to you all, but THANK YOU ALL *giant hugs for everyone*)