I am still sick, and still training this girl :/

Long rant/personal crap incoming so feel free to jump ahead, I just need to vent somewhere and chose this place.

 

 

I am in the middle of an episode of depression, at least that is what I call it when I am feeling like this, and I want to scream and stop crying but I do not feel like I can. I sound like a fucking teenager when I say this crap, but I am just so tired of being treated as the least favourite child just because I am. I do not know if this is just too much cough syrup on me or what, but I just feel like leaving everything behind and find a hole and die in there. Four times my boss has asked me if I am feeling better. My mother? I do not think she even knows I am sick. No wait, she does, she realised it after I told her, and then she took the opportunity to let me know it was my own fault for spending too much time outside. For fucks sake. She can fucking call the fucking doctor at the clinic to make an appointment for my brother who is just running a slight fever, but the times I have gotten so fucking sick I have had to wake up at 5am and wait in line for two hours to get my own? But thank you for knocking on my door to let me know I was going to be late, I guess.

 

Christ, I love them, but I am such a fucking stranger in this family. My mother is such a good example of a working mother, it would make her the prefect role model, except I would never want to follow her. I do not ever want any of my children to feel so left out, so fucking alone. Because that is the only reason I am writing this in here. I have no one to tell it to. All that they could say is that "it is going to get better" but I know it is not. It never has. It has been like this since I have memory. She loves so much more the one that has fucked up so many fucking times, to get to the point of having three kids with three different fathers, and the one who just does not listen and wants nothing with anything and has failed school twice, to the one that just wants some fucking appreciation. Fuck. I fucking earned a fucking scholarship to study abroad and graduated at 21, but shit is still the same. What is the point in trying then? I am exhausted. And just cannot take it anymore. She complains about how I do not share anything with them, but how can I if I was never given the chance. I did not grow up with them. I did not see my mother more than 24 hours in a row until I was about 10, and I know she did it because she wanted a good future for us, but it just fucked up the relationship.

 

Why am I always the one at fault in her eyes? I am always wrong. I am the one that gets pissed so fucking easily. I am the ungrateful one. I just hate feeling like this. And I am tired. I am just so filled with sadness all the time it is just so fucking easy for me to think about it and cry for the next fours hours until I fall asleep, and act like I am just fine the next day, because I know I would just crack open if someone were to ask me, and I just hate people seeing me cry.

 

I just... Do not know anymore.

 

^ :hug:

I feel so ugly and stupid! I'm the typical friend who nobody wants to dance in a party or they think I'm the ugliest girl. Oh always it happens this to me, I like a boy and he likes my friend. :/

I've not been on a computer for God knows how long. I've been stuck with using my iphone for everything. Do you know how frustrating that actually is? Thank heavens the computer is being repaired next week.

My family is falling apart.

My family is falling apart.

 

I'm sorry to hear. :/ We're here if you need anyone to talk to!

Thank you, Antony.

You're welcome. :nice:

It is almost 2am and I am nowhere near falling asleep. So I am lying in my bed, listening to music, fighting the urge to cry and trying to get the worst kind of thoughts out of my head.

 

Life is so much fun, huh?

He's the reason I'm upset right now...it might seem kind of silly though...

 

Richard Hughes (Keane's drummer) followed me on twitter, but it turned out that it was because he was hacked or something, so he eventually unfollowed me...I was so so excited that the drummer of my favourite band followed me...and now I'm just feeling a bit disappointed.

I have a virus, and my brother forgot to pick up my medication, so I have a huge belly ache and feel like crap.

 

Plus, it is the second time the alarm next door goes off, which happens every single night :(

Dizziness yesterday, nausea today. Better now but I have other things to grump about. Also my internet has become capped (slowed itself to a crawl) so I can't work on my research assignment, urghhh.

I haven't slept and I'm starving, I have no food and the shop doesn't open for another hour... I can't sleep because I have a lecture in 2 hours, so I'm just sat here waiting for the shop to open so I can eat :(

i had a headache earlier but then i took some painkillers and I'm better now.

I just had one of my nightmares. I have been trying to look into it, but I get nothing :/ it might be sleep paralysis, but for that you need to have been asleep for enough time to hit REM sleep :( to me it happens unexpectedly when I am about to fall asleep. Also, most of sleep paralysis is mostly things you see, and that does not explain how I feel all that is being done to me, while also hearing all those voices. Also, I have had many of these continue as if it was a regular dream (nightmare) so I am not sure if that also happens with sleep paralysis. I have had these for four years now... I wish someone would explain it to me :/

I can't help much, but I have suffered from sleep paralysis most of my life...usually Just Before I wake up. And I have had some of the symptoms you're describing. I have occasionally also had it before deep sleep and usually when unable to achieve REM sleep.(in which case, I have nightmares all night after.) I find that a non greasy meal before bed and less screen time cut it down a little, as well as cutting back on sugar and caffeine during the day. I hope some of this helps a little.

Will try!

i'm gonna miss this site. :cry:

i'm gonna miss this site. :cry:

 

:nod::bigcry:

:cry2:

someone stole my documents in the subway :(

I passed out as soon as I got home from work, and now that I woke up I am starving :( I cannot fall asleep again like this :(

I passed out as soon as I got home from work, and now that I woke up I am starving :( I cannot fall asleep again like this :(

Jesus Christ man, that doesn't sound healthy D: I hope you get better :hug:

 

 

I have to write 34 pages for an essay today because of procrastination :drunk:

 

Someone kill me

I may fail my physics class this year, no matter if i study or not i always get the lowest mark, right now I have 4/10 and I need to get at least 6/10 to pass, but to reach 6/10 I need at least a 08/10 and that's impossible