How to Poo @ Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

 

 

 

:. CROP DUSTING

 

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

 

 

 

:. FLY BY

 

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

 

 

 

:. ESCAPEE

 

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

 

 

:. JAILBREAK

 

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

 

 

:. COURTESY FLUSH

 

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

 

 

:. WALK OF SHAME

 

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

 

 

 

:. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

 

A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

 

 

 

:. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

 

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

 

 

:. SAFE HAVENS

 

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

 

 

 

:. TURD BURGLAR

 

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

 

 

:. CAMO-COUGH

 

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

 

 

:. ASTAIRE

 

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

 

 

 

:. WATERMELON

 

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

 

 

:. HAVANA OMELET

 

A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

 

 

 

:. UNCLE TED

 

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no i didn't come up with this. maybe you've seen it before. just found it and thought it was funny enough to put in here.

That's just wrong...

:lol:

Ginerang, I hope I'm never inside your mind... :dozey:

THATS HILARIOUS!! I DONT THINK ITS NASTY CUZ WE ALL DO IT. hahaha thats all my family talks about sometimes. :rolleyes: :D

You seriously think that's funny? Come on people, we aren't in 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade anymore. Well, most of us aren't. :rolleyes:

I AM

 

WEEE! SNACK TIME!

That was very funny.

 

Just because its literal toilet humour doesnt mean its immature, its clever and whitty, its an extremely detailed outlook on the world of pooing. The titles for each topic are funny, its Seinfield humour but a bit dirtyer.

 

For the diarhoea one, try pre-putting toilet paper in the toilet before going for a crap, it'll muffle the splash.

I AM

 

WEEE! SNACK TIME!

 

:lol:

:lol: I loved it haha

 

You seriously think that's funny? Come on people' date=' we aren't in 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade anymore. Well, most of us aren't. :rolleyes:[/quote']

 

sorry mr. mature :rolleyes:

 

:D

I think its funny :D :wink3:

I THINK IT'S CONFUSING :lol:

BUT THE ONES THAT COULD UNDERSTAND WHERE :stunned:

when you get a job revisit this thread :lol:

:lol: OKAY

I HOPE IT STAYS HERE THOUGH :cool:

:cool:

Ginerang' date=' I hope I'm never inside your mind... :dozey:[/quote']

 

 

*coughs* gingerag

 

 

i'd rather you call me ginger :)

 

 

 

 

how funny. because early...i swear. like not even 5 minutes ago. after coming from class i was thinking what if there was someone to study my mind, if they could get in it, what would they think of me.

 

well i only thought of that because i was thinking myself being a hypocrite.

You seriously think that's funny? Come on people' date=' we aren't in 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade anymore. Well, most of us aren't. :rolleyes:[/quote']

 

actually it isn't well 3rd 4th or 5th grade. it's out of school and in the working area. which makes it funny. but then again i guess you could view that being in a grade school as well. :D

who in the forum here works!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

I'd live off my fathers money and have all the fun i want (once I'm out of school)

OMG!!!!! That was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hilarious!!!!!!!!

 

I love the way your mind works ginger..

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :)

Mr Mature. Hahahaha. :rolleyes: :lol: :P And Ginger, I'm not in a grade school last time I checked. :rolleyes:

:lol: :lol: :lol: That made me laugh so hard! Thanks for posting that, even if some people thinks it's immature. :rolleyes: :P

witty and totally histerical! :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: very good but does this work at school?

:P

:lol: At this thread.