5 Common Criticisms Of Coldplay (And Why They're Wrong)

 

 

Well, the people have spoken. According to the listeners of BBC 6Music, the best song from the past decade is Clocks by Coldplay.

 

I couldn’t be happier with this outcome. Every generation appears to have a band that it’s not “OK” to like. Said band then becomes the butt of every single lazy criticism that can possibly be made of music; their very name a synonym for blandness itself. Criticisms of such bands become so commonplace that those who hurl the insults ironically become infinitely more boring and tedious than the music they so gleefully attack.

 

As a huge Coldplay fan whose defence of the band could often be described as “militant”, it’s lovely to have some validation for a change. It’s great to feel, for once, that just because I like Coldplay it doesn’t make me any less of a person.

 

Because you’re wrong, you know. Not to hate Coldplay. Oh no, you’re perfectly entitled to your opinion. Nobody’s forcing you to listen to them. Ever. But when it comes to your inchoate, narrow minded, unimaginative and hackneyed explanation of just why it’s wrong to like Coldplay, you honestly could not be more mistaken.

 

In the wake of this sudden confirmation that it’s actually fine to like Coldplay, let’s take a look at five of the most common criticisms of the band and examine, in turn, why each offers a deeply flawed argument.

 

5. All Of Their Songs Are Slow And Miserable

 

 

I can sort of understand the reasoning behind this one. People hear songs like Trouble, The Scientist and Fix You; shudder; and assume that all of their songs must be cut from the same cloth.

 

I know it’s hopelessly naive of me to assume that any ardent Coldplay hater will even bother to listen to any of the following; but their back catalogue is loaded with such infective nuggets of incandescent joy as Shiver, Hurts Like Heaven, Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall, Lovers In Japan, Strawberry Swing, Speed of Sound and Glass of Water. It’s therefore easy for me to conclude that anyone who makes this argument in earnest either hasn’t heard much Coldplay, or they have no grasp of such concepts as tempo and key.

 

I appreciate it’s hard for some to understand that anybody could ever get anything even approaching enjoyment from listening to Coldplay, but trust me. Some of their songs are powerful enough to inspire an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria. Live, they’re even more potent – even magical.

 

A less developed cousin of this criticism is that all of Coldplay’s songs “sound the same”, with no further discussion of just how this might be at all possible. It’s surprising how often I hear this argument, but when I do I know that I’m safe; as I’m apparently in the company of someone who was born without ears.

 

4. Their Lyrics Are Terrible

 

 

Of all the tired criticisms levied at Coldplay, this is the closest anyone ever comes to having a point. I’ll be the first to admit that Chris Martin’s lyrics often leave a lot to be desired. But that’s not to say that they’re terrible or completely without merit. Christmas Lights, for example, is touching, poignant and evocative; whilst Charlie Brown deftly captures the sense of lost innocence through spinning a classic coming of age narrative.

 

But even at their worst, Coldplay lyrics can be so all-encompassing as to offer comfort to anyone who needs it. Often, their very vagueness is what makes them so remarkable. Songs like In My Place could be about anything, and that’s the whole point. Such lyrics as “I was scared/Tired and under-prepared”, delivered with such humane weariness, could console anyone – whether they’re wary of an exam, a job interview, the results of a medical test or a reconciliation in the wake of an argument. Through being about nothing, their songs could be about everything. Because their lyrics are so open, everyone is free to attach their own spins, interpretations or significance to Coldplay songs. That’s partly why they’re so popular.

 

But perhaps you feel that this is a function that music simply shouldn’t fulfil. Fair enough. But know that, if you attack Coldplay solely on lyrical grounds, you’re creating a strict set of standards with which all music you listen to must abide. When they’re good, song lyrics can be so powerful they’re mesmerising. But are they really that important? Unless you’re listening to rap or a certain strain of literate singer-songwriter, to what extent are you taking in lyrics anyway?

 

Lyrics are important, but they’re seldom the be-all and end-all of music; and it’s hardly ever the case that you can cite them as the sole reason for disliking a song or band. It was Jarvis Cocker who pointed out that Louie Louie by The Kingsmen – a song that’s about as close as song’s get to being universally liked – is essentially composed of gibberish. Does that make it any less of an engaging and energising anthem?

 

So by all means attack Coldplay on lyrical grounds. But in doing so, make sure that you judge absolutely everyone else by the same standards. Otherwise you’ll come across as a hypocrite. And you’re not a hypocrite, are you?

 

3. They’re Too Derivative

 

 

Some say that any given Coldplay song owes too much of a debt to an existing song to be worthy of being judged on its own merits. They refer to Joe Satriani’s assertion that Viva La Vida included “substantial original portions” of one of his own compositions, omitting the fact that this matter has since been dismissed out of court. Or perhaps they’ll shriek about how Talk “ripped off” the riff from Kraftwerk’s Computer Love – conveniently forgetting that full permission was granted for the riff’s inclusion.

 

Essentially, to make this point is to fundamentally ignore how music works. There’s only a limited number of notes, chords and instruments out there, you know. Yet every day millions of musicians worldwide are endlessly hammering away at their own songs. It’s inevitable that, sooner or later, a band will stumble upon a chord progression or a compositional element by that’s been used before.

 

Whether it happens by design or accident, it’s going to happen. The important thing is that a band takes this familiar element and, rather than using it as a crutch, uses it as a foundation to create something new. If a song succeeds in reaching out to someone, then it doesn’t matter at all to what extent its composition is unique. And Coldplay’s songs do reach out to people. Millions of them. They must, therefore, be doing something right.

 

So by all means think of Coldplay as a bunch of derivative charlatans with nary an original idea between them. Just remember, though, that the work of such “cool” and “acceptable” musicians as Radiohead, Nick Cave and Bob Dylan has also been singled out as containing certain elements that have been previously deployed. But it doesn’t make them any less worthy of the praise they receive. All musicians are drawing water from the same well, and in every instance they’ve used the familiar elements in their songs as a springboard for exploring their own ideas. Coldplay are no different.

 

If you want to attack them on these grounds, far be it from me to stop you. But, like with the aforementioned lyrical argument, in doing so you’re creating a set of conditions for yourself in which the only acceptable music is that which is totally and utterly unprecedented. And because that’s absolutely not how music works, you may as well stop listening entirely if you truly see this as a problem.

 

2. Chris Martin Is A Plonker

 

 

They don’t use the word “plonker”. They use something a lot stronger and a lot more offensive, but What Culture frown upon expletives. Plonker will therefore have to do.

 

Yes, of all the criticism levied at Coldplay, I have the greatest difficulty in understanding this one. Usually, I can at least see where people are coming from, but in this instance I’m left dumbfounded. I cannot even begin to grasp in what universe Chris Martin could possibly be considered to be anything less than genuine.

 

Some might attack his involvement with charities such as Oxfam. Apparently, in using his fame to draw attention to political issues, Chris Martin is nothing more than a sanctimonious hypocrite. I can guarantee, though, that the sort of people who make this argument are exactly the sort of people who’d also argue that the charts are vacuous; that nobody has anything of any substance to say.

 

If you read any interview at all, Chris Martin never comes across as anything other than humble, sensitive, down-to-earth and human. Go and see Coldplay live and marvel as he makes a point of trying to make every single one of the thousands upon thousands of people in the arena or stadium feel welcome and included. The impression’s always given that he’s genuinely pleased that so many people took the trouble to come out and see his band. It’s always seemed to me that he’s felt somehow unworthy of such attention and adoration – and what, really, could be more human?

 

In any case, even if you’re convinced that Chris Martin is actually a terrible, terrible man, so what? If you limited yourself to listening to bands whose singers didn’t raise the hackles from time to time, you’d have no choice but to perform a mass cull on your entire music collection.

 

1. They Make Bland And Insipid Music For People Who Don’t Like Music

 

 

Sometimes it just seems like too much of an effort to even attempt to back up your assertions with fact or opinion. So when feeling particularly lazy or unimaginative, those who hate Coldplay will attack their fans. “Music for bedwetters” is a popular line, but more often than not it will be declared that Coldplay make bland, uninspiring and insipid music for those who don’t like music. The implication being, of course, that the person making this claim is a person of vastly superior taste. To like Coldplay is beneath them. After all, how could anyone possibly choose to listen to Coldplay?

 

Don’t do this. Don’t ever do this. It’s fine to dislike Coldplay, OK? Happily, we don’t live in a society in which you’re restricted from forming and holding your own opinions. I used to be the sort of person who said things like “If you don’t like them, don’t listen to them.” This is sage advice for anyone, as what’s the point in dwelling upon or defining yourself by what you don’t like when there’s so much good music out there? But of course you’re free to criticise. It’s perfectly acceptable to say “I just don’t like them” or “I just find them boring”. I’d be happy to leave it at that. I would. Really.

 

But all too often, people can’t simply leave it at that. It’s not enough for them to accept that some people like things that they don’t. No. Some seem to believe that to like Coldplay is a mark of an inferior mind – or even an inferior person.

 

I can promise you that this is not the case. To like Coldplay is not a sign of weakness. Who are you to assess the validity of a person’s love for music? Since when have you been in charge of who we should and shouldn’t listen to? In what universe is your taste in music to be treated as the standard by which all else must be judged?

 

The universe in your head, clearly. But speaking of headspaces, you have no idea what goes on in a person’s mind when they hear a song they like. You have no way at all to comment upon how any given song makes any given person feel. What bores you rigid or makes you smirk at the inferior tastes of the masses might well be the one thing that makes a person’s life worth living.

 

You just don’t know, so bear this in mind: If you don’t like them, you don’t have to listen to them. But if you must criticise, say the worst things imaginable about the band, but leave. The fans. Alone. It applies to all bands, not just Coldplay. Everyone is much more than the sum of their interests, and if you’d dare deny anyone the feelings they feel when they listen to music, well. There’s a word for people like you. I can’t type it out here, but just think of the word you might use to describe Chris Martin and apply it to yourself.

 

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Great article, entirely agree

Damn I was about to post this. You're kinda fast.

 

Whoever wrote this article deserves a trophy.

This +1 is exactly the way I feel, I couldn't add anything more...

Brilliant. Thank you!

I want to show this to all my Coldplay-hating friends.

I want to show this to all my Coldplay-hating friends.

 

I had exactly this same thought when I read this article.

Was this written by a 12 year old?

 

The reason they are so terrible is because they write meaningless, soulless drivel, giving the impression it's touching and emotional, yet in fact it's as manufactured as any music you can imagine. It's close to deceiving, and it's incredibly clever, Chris Martin can't even sing properly, yet somehow blends his voice into certain keys so that it sounds passable.

Was this written by a 12 year old?

 

The reason they are so terrible is because they write meaningless, soulless drivel, giving the impression it's touching and emotional, yet in fact it's as manufactured as any music you can imagine. It's close to deceiving, and it's incredibly clever, Chris Martin can't even sing properly, yet somehow blends his voice into certain keys so that it sounds passable.

 

Hahahaha, very funny.... wait, do you actually believe this?

 

5. All Of Their Songs Are Slow And Miserable

 

This isn't worth comment. No one who actually takes a serious interest in music would pose this seriously.

 

4. Their Lyrics Are Terrible

 

But that’s not to say that they’re terrible or completely without merit. Christmas Lights, for example, is touching, poignant and evocative; whilst Charlie Brown deftly captures the sense of lost innocence through spinning a classic coming of age narrative.

Honestly, there's nothing particularly insightful or deep about either of these, especially not Christmas lights which events boils down to various cliche's. From a poetic perspective, interesting descriptions/narratives are quite rare from Chris. More times than not he slips into mind-numbing platitudes (see Lost, LIT ii, fix you, up in flames, ETIAW etc.)

 

But even at their worst, Coldplay lyrics can be so all-encompassing as to offer comfort to anyone who needs it.

Often, their very vagueness is what makes them so remarkable. Songs like In My Place could be about anything, and that’s the whole point. Such lyrics as “I was scared/Tired and under-prepared”, delivered with such humane weariness, could console anyone – whether they’re wary of an exam, a job interview, the results of a medical test or a reconciliation in the wake of an argument. Through being about nothing, their songs could be about everything. Because their lyrics are so open, everyone is free to attach their own spins, interpretations or significance to Coldplay songs. That’s partly why they’re so popular.

The writer's just described the late bono syndrome, and this is actually a testament to the weakness of his recent songwriting. Which is to say, his lyrics (with some exception) lack uniqueness and actual substance or insight. With Lovers in Japan for instance, I'm not convinced that a great deal of thought went into them. They're just tacked on to go with the melody. You're free to attach your own spin because you're already aware of the unimportance of the original lyric choice.

 

3. They're too Derivative

Not really worth comment.

 

 

 

2. Chris Martin Is A Plonker

 

Not this either.

1. They Make Bland And Insipid Music For People Who Don’t Like Music

Often, yeah.

Was this written by a 12 year old?

 

The reason they are so terrible is because they write meaningless, soulless drivel, giving the impression it's touching and emotional, yet in fact it's as manufactured as any music you can imagine. It's close to deceiving, and it's incredibly clever, Chris Martin can't even sing properly, yet somehow blends his voice into certain keys so that it sounds passable.

 

:P:lol:

Hahahaha, very funny.... wait, do you actually believe this?

 

Yes.

 

If my opinion is so hilarious that it's beyond reason, you'd have no problem obliterating it instead of pretending you thought it was a joke in a really insecure manner.

Thank you for this. I now have something to show to my dear friends tomorrow... Thank you, brilliant article! :)

Before everyone gets all excited about seeing their friends jaws drop in disappointment about being wrong about Coldplay, remind yourselves that you are showing them an article by someone who wrote this:

 

It’s great to feel, for once, that just because I like Coldplay it doesn’t make me any less of a person.

 

Because you’re wrong, you know. Not to hate Coldplay. Oh no, you’re perfectly entitled to your opinion. Nobody’s forcing you to listen to them.

 

What the hell is that?

 

On top of that, I read "Because their songs are slow and miserable" as the first point, and I thought "Well obviously that's a fucking stupid reason to dislike art, this article is pointless if you're going to shoot down stupid reasons", and then read on to find that the writer actually agrees this is a fairly valid point.

Before everyone gets all excited about seeing their friends jaws drop in disappointment about being wrong about Coldplay, remind yourselves that you are showing them an article by someone who wrote this:

 

 

 

What the hell is that?

 

and then:

 

"Ever. But when it comes to your inchoate, narrow minded, unimaginative and hackneyed explanation of just why it’s wrong to like Coldplay, you honestly could not be more mistaken."

 

i think the point there is that there's a difference between not liking them yourself, and thinking it's stupid for other people to like them because you don't.

Before everyone gets all excited about seeing their friends jaws drop in disappointment about being wrong about Coldplay, remind yourselves that you are showing them an article by someone who wrote this:

 

 

 

What the hell is that?

 

On top of that, I read "Because their songs are slow and miserable" as the first point, and I thought "Well obviously that's a fucking stupid reason to dislike art, this article is pointless if you're going to shoot down stupid reasons", and then read on to find that the writer actually agrees this is a fairly valid point.

 

I've seen people using these 5 arguments actually. The only one missing is that Coldplay's music is gay. :dozey:

Not really worth comment.

 

...

 

Not this either.

 

What was the point in quoting them then?

 

Yes.

 

If my opinion is so hilarious that it's beyond reason, you'd have no problem obliterating it instead of pretending you thought it was a joke in a really insecure manner.

 

Fine, fair enough, if that is your opinion then so be it. It's just that the way you said it made it sound like you were some sort of conspiracy theorist or something.

It's just the way he comes off is like a die hard tween fan. Like I can see some One Direction fan using the same accusations and pointing the finger " your so wrong for saying that about the band and here's why I'm right." He be comes a bit whiny and I'm surprised he did not use that as a reason why the haters are"wrong".

i think the point there is that there's a difference between not liking them yourself, and thinking it's stupid for other people to like them because you don't.

 

I agree that nobody should be infinitely judged on what art they appreciate (Although it is often a decent starting point) but there's a hypocrisy within this article of saying that people get on their high horses and feel Coldplay are definitely bad, and why these people are definitely wrong (Despite the writer actually sympathising with 2 out of 5 of the criticisms).

 

I've seen people using these 5 arguments actually. The only one missing is that Coldplay's music is gay. :dozey:

 

OK?

 

What was the point in quoting them then?

 

I don't think people like repeating themselves over and over, the first point Spieler didn't find valuable and wrote:

 

This isn't worth comment. No one who actually takes a serious interest in music would pose this seriously.

 

The other points he said weren't worth commenting on obviously because they are useless criticisms as well.

 

Fine' date=' fair enough, if that is your opinion then so be it. It's just that the way you said it made it sound like you were some sort of conspiracy theorist or something.[/quote']

 

I do think there is an incredible awareness when it comes to constructing a Coldplay album/image of how it will be perceived to the general public and how to be as accessible as possible while maintaining the vague cryptic edge. I don't know whether this is intentional when Chris sits down at a piano or at the back of his mind, but it's there.

 

It's just the way he comes off is like a die hard tween fan. Like I can see some One Direction fan using the same accusations and pointing the finger " your so wrong for saying that about the band and here's why I'm right." He be comes a bit whiny and I'm surprised he did not use that as a reason why the haters are"wrong".

 

Yes! Precisely. I bet this is written by some asshole who tries to constantly persuade his friends and play Coldplay every time they're in the car, and then gets all butthurt when they finally crack and tell him Coldplay are shit.

Was this written by a 12 year old?

 

The reason they are so terrible is because they write meaningless, soulless drivel, giving the impression it's touching and emotional, yet in fact it's as manufactured as any music you can imagine. It's close to deceiving, and it's incredibly clever, Chris Martin can't even sing properly, yet somehow blends his voice into certain keys so that it sounds passable.

 

I actually thought you were joking (are you?). I thought your comment was a satire of an egocentric elitist with great writing skills, AKA a music critic (Is it?).

Yes! Precisely. I bet this is written by some asshole who tries to constantly persuade his friends and play Coldplay every time they're in the car, and then gets all butthurt when they finally crack and tell him Coldplay are shit.

 

Yeah he totally is , imagine his reaction if they did say that I can feel it steaming off the blog he wrote, :lol:

Damn I was about to post this. You're kinda fast.

 

Whoever wrote this article deserves a trophy.

 

You'll never beat Tash :p

What was the point in quoting them then?

 

 

 

Reilly summed it up nicely. By quoting all 5 I was addressing the whole article and not fragments. Though I refrained from elaboration, I made my opinion pretty clear.

I actually thought you were joking (are you?). I thought your comment was a satire of an egocentric elitist with great writing skills, AKA a music critic (Is it?).

 

If that post was considered 'great writing skills' then no wonder people think the article itself was decently written.

Was this written by a 12 year old?

 

The reason they are so terrible is because they write meaningless, soulless drivel, giving the impression it's touching and emotional, yet in fact it's as manufactured as any music you can imagine. It's close to deceiving, and it's incredibly clever, Chris Martin can't even sing properly, yet somehow blends his voice into certain keys so that it sounds passable.

Like the author of this article pointed out:

What bores you rigid or makes you smirk at the inferior tastes of the masses might well be the one thing that makes a person’s life worth living.

That explains why some people are getting a bit mad at your comment right now :lol:

From what I understand you think that they sound phony, but i am just too naive and think they're touching and emotional. Same way some people may find Fix you so cheesy it makes them hurl, but others claim it helped them a lot at a moment when they felt really bad.

Honestly, i absolutely don't care that it's as manufactured as any music i can imagine, because it still manages to touch me deeply. Also, isn't it incredible and shows some sort of talent that, despite his apparently terrible voice, Chris manages to make it sound passable ? I find that to be quite an impressive effort!

Also, from your comment, i wouldn't think they're deceiving, i'd think they're evil geniuses, because let's face it, even if their music sucks (to you or to others), they sold millions and their fans are very dedicated, so their strategy actually works.