Jump to content

Coldplay - Viva La Vapid


Recommended Posts

12 June 2008 is a big day for poor, struggling EMIMusic.


It's the day that the fourth Coldplay album, Viva La Vida is released. Three years ago, when their last album X&Y was delayed, EMI's share price famously took a dive.


There was a happy ending though; the boys from Coldplay beat off Mariah and 50 Cent and became the biggest seller of the year.


That sort of corporate pressure is enough to drive you weird and silly. Chris Martin is trying not to think about it. "We thought, 'We can't possibly get any bigger, let's just get better.'" he told NME.


So there it is. They'll sell bucketloads of records at a time when nobody is selling records. They're just trying to make the best music they possibly can for all the right reasons.


Despite all that, there's a certain type of person who won't like Coldplay, or the Paltrow-Martins, whatever they do.


That type of person is me.


Once upon a time, I'd have been vaguely proud of slagging them off. For a band this big, bland and boring their albums have always had an uncommonly easy run with the critics.


So it is easy to think of the little backlash as a public service. Not any more. Now the interesting thing would be to say they're great.


I could change my mind. I did it with Chris Martin. When he started, performing songs from Parachutes before the makeover, he was exactly the whingeing student you'd expect. The haircut was bad enough, but then he started singing earnestly backwards.


You immediately knew you were looking at someone rubbish, the only question was how long he'd stick around.


Now, whenever he's wheeled in to talk to some anodyne Radio 1 DJ, I'm always surprised how witty and likeable he is.


What happened? Ricky Gervais. One of the world's they-pay-you-for-that? jobs is a "Crisis Communications Specialist". Have an image problem? They'll sort you out for a fee. A cheaper route seems to be to appear on Extras.


Chris Martin did that, and took a few video beatings on Gervais' website, and seemingly learnt how to seem a good bloke. It works.


So if the frontman is such a fun guy, how come his band are such tosh? The good news is it really does come down to the records.


Three reasons, really.


First, Martin is terrible with words. When it comes to writing drivel and seeing it sung by undeserved hordes as if it meant something, he's second only to Tim Rice.


The new album's full title is Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends. Martin told Rolling Stone that "I've been through this before, naming something or someone and everyone saying that 'That's a terrible name.' But then saying, 'Well, f**k you, that's what it's called, and I'll be proved to be right eventually'."


Well Chris, it's not just your titles, it's everything you write. Talk contains this typical lump of dumb: Are you lost or incomplete / Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?


All his lyrics are like that. Here's the chorus to Clocks in full:



You are, you are, you are.

You are, you are, you are.


Second, the music. Coldplay show how little a catchy tune can be if you don't know what to do with it. All his songs are catchy, like ringtones, tiny little phrases rehashed ad nauseam. It's mineral water torture. Clocks is probably in your head now. That "singing" repeated just before each chorus. How do people tolerate it?


Their songs are usually sing-song piano triteness building to massive overblown crescendos. I've got no problem with bombast. The best rock bands make a fuss. But it needs to have something behind it. Bombast combined with nonsense is just a mad old lady shouting in the vegetable section.


It's a Hallmark greeting on a billboard.


It's horrid.


The third reason is that we don't need this band, because we've already got them. Obviously Chris wants to be MiniBono, Make Trade Bland - but that's fair enough. His band, though, so cravenly want to be Radiohead and U2 that it's almost cute. The dynamics, the guitar sounds, the vocals, they're all second hand knock offs, missing a piece.


Like U2, they're working with Brian Eno again on this album. So we know what to expect. The last album was planned to end with a duet with Johnny Cash. Exactly like U2. Though unlike U2, Cash dropped dead before he could record it. That tells you all you need to know.


I expect we'll hear from a bunch of Coldplay fans on the messageboard. I'm afraid I can't like your band almost whatever they do. I'm interested, though. Who are you all? Do you like music? Or is it just something inoffensive to play in the car?


Do you secretly believe that if it wasn't for critical snobbery, everyone would like Coldplay? Do you like U2? There are Coldplay fans who don't like U2, aren't there?


I really want to hear from those ones.




Discussion: http://boards.msn.com/UKEntertainmen...hreadid=672003

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sure, the guy is entitled to his own opinion but it seems like he's trying to come across as the biggest asshole ever. Criticize the music, why not, but the fans? Oh come on.


And he hasn't heard any of LP4 yet since he's still slagging off AROBTTH and X&Y. Oh, it's the "cool" thing to do to praise Coldplay now eh? Or maybe, generally, critics like it because it's NOTHING like anything they've done in the past.


What a prick.


Edit: ^srsly, insulting the fans? What a low blow!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What made me laugh is the Radiohead fans wading in with their support.


If ever there was a band thrived critical acclaim it's them, it's them.


Thom burps into a microphone "oooh it's groundbreaking, it's brilliant" :dozey:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

it's just a writer desperate for attention, and who better to start a debate with than Coldplay fans 2 weeks before a new album release?


i wouldn't bother giving them the satisfaction of a response guys... they probably don't even believe half the crap in that article.. they just want to piss us off so we visit their website

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I left a sweet little message for him - its like #73 or something. The name I signed in under is JTPB. I think I pretty accurately conveyed my thoughts of his incredible dickishness. Man, that guy needs to get laid big time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guy's just a bit of a tosser. I almost signed up and commented, but then realised just how much that would justify the author's existence. I'd prefer not to do that.


Illogical. Why would you write an article about somebody you admit you will never like? What is the point? Where is anybody going to learn anything? Confused.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

lol stupid faggot. Coldplay is too big right now that he got to write a full article saying is boring rofl. what a stupid son of a bitch. i really dont care if they say bullshit obviously he hates coldplay. dammit thers a lot of people who want to post a full article saying bullshit about something they dont like i think its because coldplay biggness scares them.May be theye are upset cause coldplay minimize another bands and they know where coldplay are going. if coldplay will be going to nowhere i dont think they would wasting their time talking about how boring coldplay is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The way he went about bashing the band completely made him look like a fool. If you even know the littlest amount about music you know that Coldplay write some of the best melodies ever. And if that is so easy, everyone could be a succesful musician. Since this guy is a music critic, I'm assuming he failed at that.


And some of their lyrics may be simple, but that doesn't automatically them bad. By getting so much out of them I think they should be commended. His example of the clocks chorus is a perfect example, it really is quite profound

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I promised myself I wouldn't get worked up about this lol.


He credits Ricky Gervais for Chris's sense of humour - Chris has always been a funny, witty, fun guy! Argh what an idiot.


yeah I noticed that.


well, A few of us gave him a piece of our minds.


myself included :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did someone actually write this?


I love clocks!


The only bit I agree with is the part about "corporate pressure is enough to drive you weird and silly."


I do feel that as they started promoting themselves more with X&Y and wanting to come out with an album that made them popular with the whole world and to fill stadiums it kind of changed them a bit...


But, that they have no talent... whatever. Their music says it all...


Granted I don't get their title names...like Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends (maybe because I haven't heard the album yet) but that doesn't affect the music for me.


I don't think Coldplay wants to be Radiohead and I don't want them to be like U2!


I think it is funny that he even mentions the messageboard...he must be into Coldplay then if he even knows about us.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...