Mylo Xyloto (NME [fake] Review)

[michal91d]

It's not funny...

 

Coldplay - Mylo Xyloto (NME Review)

 

1. "Mylo Xyloto"

The first sign that Coldplay are pushing their creativity to the limits arrives early, as the haunting refrain of a Tibetan singing bowl brings us into proceedings. Followed by wind-chimes. Followed by the distant thrum of a tabla. Followed by ambient samples of theremin, cut up at random. Followed by a children's choir. Followed by bagpipes and maracas, before all this excess gradually recedes, segueing into a steady mid-paced 4/4 semi-acoustic rock song featuring guitar, bass, and drums, over which Chris Martin sings, plangently: "I was a fool/ To be unkind/ To be blind/ I just need/ To unwind."

 

2. "Hurts Like Heaven"

Described by Martin as about "How when the pain of love is just too much, love itself is not enough", "Hurts Like Heaven" is new model Coldplay, featuring the full force of their rampant creativity. Inspired by producer Brian Eno's famous 'oblique strategy cards', the band drew from a pack of words at random in the studio, replacing every fourth word in Martin's lyrics at random, to come up with verses like: "And you made MUTANT way / Well there's RAINCOAT thing I got STERILISATION say / There's only EGGTIMER and only me / BINARY here and the SEPTECEMIA blue sea".

 

3. "Paradise"

Taking a sample from Phil Collins "Another Day In Paradise", this is new model Coldplay at the peak of their new creative powers. Over a stuttering refrain of

"think twice, t-t-t-twice", and an echoing hip-hop beat, Chris Martin follows up his "Viva La Vida" experiments in imaginative identification with street sweepers by guessing what it's like to be homeless. "Got no clothes. Got no shoes. But I guess I can dance away my blues. Got no food. Got no love. But all I need's the stars above". A truly harrowing piece of 21st Century storytelling.

 

4. "Charlie Brown" & 5. "Us Against the World"

A suite of orchestral pop that goes from musings on Schultz's cartoon character to a realistic documentation of the lives of Communist guerillas in the jungles of Borneo.

 

6. "M.M.I.X."

More forays into creativity: "In two thousand and nine. There ain't no time. No time. In two thousand and nine", Martin sings, over a juddering dubstep wobble of a bassline.

 

7. "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall"

The one you'll have heard, the album version features an extended intro, in which the entire song is played backwards at Bieber-800% pace, for a 35 minute total running time.

 

8. "Major Minus"

Chris Martin's desire to write thematic songs with big extended metaphors at their heart along the lines of "The Scientist" reaches an apex with this cheery little ditty about elementary maths: "I multiply the you in I/So many times/We're divided, but we are one/Major Minus, won't you solve my heart's true sum", he sings, again plangently.

 

9. "U.F.O."

A largely instrumental track featuring a simple collection of lute, Jew's harp, mandolin, vibraphone, and vuvuzela, it also features samples taken from Martin's favourite Paolo Coelho books.

 

10. "Princess of China" Feat. Rihanna

Akin to Alex Kapranos? experiments with Xenomania, Chris Martin embraces the world of pure pop, and it, in the form of Rihanna, embraces him back. A co-write between Martin and Dr Luke finds him trading verses with singing dollar sign Rihanna thusly:

Martin: "Am I lost in a world I cannot know? Oh I've got nowhere to go."

Rihanna: "Have you got a big one? Could, could you put it up one?"

Martin: "Am I sailing a crystal sea? Is this where I want to be?"

Rihanna: "Get down get down on me. I'll get down, down on my knees."

Martin: "In my dreams I found a sign. A sign of how to walk this line."

Rihanna: "Turn me round and give me some. Don't let up until ya come."

Both: "Princess Of China, I'm right behind ya."

 

11. "Up in Flames"

Dedicated to London's rioters, this tells the story of a newsagents in Hackney which was burnt out, and records the owner going in to inspect the husk of his burnt-out shop. Once inside, he finds a single white dove nesting in the top shelf, where he used to keep his smutty magazines. It is a plea for hope, sanity in an age of madness, and devotion in an age of fickleness. "You've got to search for the hero inside yourself," he calls, hauntingly. "Search for the hero inside/ A single new white dove/ Nesting in the place of lesbian love."

 

12. "A Hopeful Transmission"

The sound of a Chris Martin's firstborn child's pre-natal heartbeat provides the kickdrum for this largely ambient track, somewhere between Lennon's "#9 Dream" and producer Brian Eno's own ambient wanderings. Over the end, a fragment of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech can be heard, as though on a crackly wireless.

 

13. "Don't Let It Break Your Heart"

A stirringly emotive piano-led symphonic ballad, to recreate the atmosphere it would ultimately be received in, the band filled the studio with big-screen televisions to broadcast non-stop footage of sports teams winning trophies.

 

14. "Up With the Birds"

An all-singing, all-dancing finale to their tour de force, "Up With The Birds" finds Martin and co in full expansive mode, as a Tibetan singing bowl, tabla, wind chimes, theremin, children?s choir, bagpipes and maracas swell to an exultant climax, before giving way to steady 4/4 semi-acoustic rock song featuring guitar, bass, and drums, over which Chris Martin sings falsetto: "Up with the birds/ That's where I want to be/ Up in the sky/ Soaring so high/ Over a blue sea." Truly profound.

 

Full article:

http://www.nme.com/blog/index.php?blog=140&p=11156&title=coldplay_mylo_xyloto_first_listen&more=1&c=1

 

I'll probably boycott NME...

[stuartjo]

Is it me or this article is full of sarcasm?

[Mimixxx]

Yes. It's sattire.

[icequeenn]

Yes. It's sattire.

 

Actually it's quite funny...

[Mimixxx]

I didn't say it wasn't :P

[TwistedPolitik]

NME's ratings for Coldplay's albums so far

 

Parachutes - 9/10

A Rush of Blood to the Head - 9/10

X&Y - 9/10

Viva la Vida - 8/10

 

The ******s will be licking Coldplay's arseholes once again once MX is actually out, despite how much they mock them in articles such as these.

[Teco]

Martin: "Am I lost in a world I cannot know? Oh I've got nowhere to go."

Rihanna: "Have you got a big one? Could, could you put it up one?"

Martin: "Am I sailing a crystal sea? Is this where I want to be?"

Rihanna: "Get down get down on me. I'll get down, down on my knees."

Martin: "In my dreams I found a sign. A sign of how to walk this line."

Rihanna: "Turn me round and give me some. Don't let up until ya come."

Both: "Princess Of China, I'm right behind ya."

 

 

:lol:

 

These are kind of lines I can see Chris writing :laugh3:

[WeddingDom]

Is this supposed to be funny? :blank:

[Lukestar1991]

Martin: "Am I lost in a world I cannot know? Oh I've got nowhere to go."

Rihanna: "Have you got a big one? Could, could you put it up one?"

Martin: "Am I sailing a crystal sea? Is this where I want to be?"

Rihanna: "Get down get down on me. I'll get down, down on my knees."

Martin: "In my dreams I found a sign. A sign of how to walk this line."

Rihanna: "Turn me round and give me some. Don't let up until ya come."

Both: "Princess Of China, I'm right behind ya."

 

Haha, :laugh3: thats incredible! thats probably the only thing of novel value that the NME has written in years.

[niki_m14]

That's weird... VivaLaVida having 8/10 and X&Y having a 9/10...

Don't get me wrong. I love all of their albums but I definitely think Viva was a bit better than X&Y.

[Samuel_94]

Not sure what to think about this!

[lafinion]

That joke about Rihanna is actually funny. The rest of the article is just rubbish, in my opinion.

[rafaelchampion]

It's not funny...

[Lukestar1991]

It's not funny...

 

neither are you (mr serious)

 

:shocked2:

[LoryABjerre]

man in the frustration ? :thinking:

[Cleggy]

I usually like these kinds of articles, but frankly this isn't funny in the slightest.

[Coldplaying@Hogwarts]

I liked the New York Post one a lot better. :facepalm:

[Guest howyousawtheworld]

Oh dear God that was a truly abysmal attempt at humour. It's further evidence of how far NME#s gone down the shitter.

 

All they seem to do is pine for the days of Britpop and they desperately try to do that by licking Kasabian's arse all the time which just goes to show how much they'll big up a wannabe British guitar band albeit a totally shit guitar band.

[Hartroc]

I would actually love to hear this album. :lol:

[Prospector]

The Rihanna bit is quite funny but the rest is not funny at ALL. I think this forum could come up with much better jokes.

[Tryptophan]

Smiled at the Hurts Like Heaven description (quite funny). And the word vuvuzela. Other than that, fairly weak.

[Hartroc]

The Rihanna bit is quite funny but the rest is not funny at ALL. I think this forum could come up with much better jokes.

 

This forum didn't write it. And what are you talking about? "Better jokes?"

[Prospector]

^I know the forum didn't write it...I'm saying this forum can mock the band with funnier descriptions based on the titles than NME did.

[Hartroc]

^I know the forum didn't write it...I'm saying this forum can mock the band with funnier descriptions based on the titles than NME did.

 

Oh haha I totally misunderstood you. Sorry. :laugh3:

[squibby92]

he was just a complete dick and the fact that the nme editor or whoever gave him permission to do it shows how much of a bunch of pricks nme really are. from now on they can shove their arse licking shitty views up their arse. i'm sick of their pathetic attempts to mock any band that isn't similar to oasis. just going to stick with Q magazine from now on, at least i know i'm getting decent, fair opinions on current music.