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Don't Let It Break Your Heart!


Little Miss Coldplay
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When I have a conflict with a loved one or someone I care about, I feel physical nausea and the world and myself feel "not alright" to me.

Some other people seem to be able to completely repel negative feelings, for them when there is a conflict on the phone or something they turn off their phone and apparently go on normally with life. While I can't just forget the hurt and my mind becomes stuck on the conflict and I tend to dwell on it and can't "move on" and it takes ages.

Anyone else here like that ? Sometimes I wish I could turn off my feelings completely and not feel anything at all anymore. Then again I curse those insensitive people who emotionally wreck you so that you wish you had no feelings, and who can't understand what they are doing to you because they don't feel as strongly !

 

I am emotional wreck right now again :sob:

 

Where did I go wrong, or where did it all go wrong ?

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When I have a conflict with a loved one or someone I care about, I feel physical nausea and the world and myself feel "not alright" to me.

Some other people seem to be able to completely repel negative feelings, for them when there is a conflict on the phone or something they turn off their phone and apparently go on normally with life. While I can't just forget the hurt and my mind becomes stuck on the conflict and I tend to dwell on it and can't "move on" and it takes ages.

Anyone else here like that ? Sometimes I wish I could turn off my feelings completely and not feel anything at all anymore. Then again I curse those insensitive people who emotionally wreck you so that you wish you had no feelings, and who can't understand what they are doing to you because they don't feel as strongly !

 

I am emotional wreck right now again :sob:

 

Where did I go wrong, or where did it all go wrong ?

Hey dear.

 

I've learned that basically the source of this kind of pain comes from the fact that a person thinks that s/he's "not good enough." This source causes people to do many things that they wouldn't do if they fully accepted themselves as they are. It manifests itself in many ways. For example, here are a few off the top of my head:

  • workaholism - you work at every opportunity to try and alleviate this feeling "I'm not worth it" and to prove to yourself and others that you are complete
  • perfectionism - you try to be perfect at everything you do to alleviate the nagging sense there is something wrong with you; you think that being perfect will finally solve the dilemma of you being incomplete
  • anorexia / body dysmorphia - both are a result of believing yourself to not be enough; you believe that something about your body is making you incomplete

There's probably more that you can come up with yourself.

Another way it manifests itself is how you react to something negative that happens to you. If someone embarrasses you, for example, that is something that affects your reputation and sense of identity. You become angry at that person because "how dare they" poke at your fragile identity. The reason they aren't allowed to poke around at you is because there is some insecurity there. The insecurity is that deep down you feel that you aren't enough. (BTW, I'm not singling you out. When I say "you" I speak in general since this thing is extremely common.)

 

When did this all begin? Well, part of the problem is that from early years, our parents and/or society instilled in us the idea that we aren't good enough unless we prove ourselves. They wanted us to be good at academics, sports, etc. and they would get disappointed with us if we didn't do well, i.e., they would make us feel guilty for it. I think that to the degree that one's parents or society made someone feel guilty about that sort of thing, that is the degree to which one feels incomplete later in life. For some reason, parents & society don't really trust that children will do well in life without punishing them / making them feel guilt at some point. Of course, there are kids that don't buy into all the guilt trip BS from their parents, and they end up doing great emotionally later on because of it.

 

The way to fix the problem is to change the thinking patterns that you are used to. You need to be able to transition from the thought "I'm not enough - I need XXXXX" to "I'm enough." I'M ENOUGH is a powerful belief that will set you free. When you know you're enough, you don't need to prove it with any kind of actions. You don't need to prove it with your reputation or any external displays. Anything that people do to you doesn't affect your self-worth; there's no need to ponder over what people might think about you. You are your own being and you know that you respect yourself and that's all that matters. You don't take anything personally.

 

The interesting thing is that when you do things like the bullet points above, you are actually reinforcing the belief that you aren't enough because you are doing that thing to cover up the feeling. If any girls reading this use makeup as a way to alleviate the feeling of incompleteness, I would suggest you use that makeup to write on your mirror in large letters, I'M ENOUGH. Hang some posters of I'M ENOUGH in your room to remind you of it. Then you must remind yourself of this every morning, day, and night, and every situation until you know that it is indeed true. Hope this helps.

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Hey dear.

 

I've learned that basically the source of this kind of pain comes from the fact that a person thinks that s/he's "not good enough." This source causes people to do many things that they wouldn't do if they fully accepted themselves as they are. It manifests itself in many ways. For example, here are a few off the top of my head:

  • workaholism - you work at every opportunity to try and alleviate this feeling "I'm not worth it" and to prove to yourself and others that you are complete
  • perfectionism - you try to be perfect at everything you do to alleviate the nagging sense there is something wrong with you; you think that being perfect will finally solve the dilemma of you being incomplete
  • anorexia / body dysmorphia - both are a result of believing yourself to not be enough; you believe that something about your body is making you incomplete

There's probably more that you can come up with yourself.

Another way it manifests itself is how you react to something negative that happens to you. If someone embarrasses you, for example, that is something that affects your reputation and sense of identity. You become angry at that person because "how dare they" poke at your fragile identity. The reason they aren't allowed to poke around at you is because there is some insecurity there. The insecurity is that deep down you feel that you aren't enough. (BTW, I'm not singling you out. When I say "you" I speak in general since this thing is extremely common.)

 

When did this all begin? Well, part of the problem is that from early years, our parents and/or society instilled in us the idea that we aren't good enough unless we prove ourselves. They wanted us to be good at academics, sports, etc. and they would get disappointed with us if we didn't do well, i.e., they would make us feel guilty for it. I think that to the degree that one's parents or society made someone feel guilty about that sort of thing, that is the degree to which one feels incomplete later in life. For some reason, parents & society don't really trust that children will do well in life without punishing them / making them feel guilt at some point. Of course, there are kids that don't buy into all the guilt trip BS from their parents, and they end up doing great emotionally later on because of it.

 

The way to fix the problem is to change the thinking patterns that you are used to. You need to be able to transition from the thought "I'm not enough - I need XXXXX" to "I'm enough." I'M ENOUGH is a powerful belief that will set you free. When you know you're enough, you don't need to prove it with any kind of actions. You don't need to prove it with your reputation or any external displays. Anything that people do to you doesn't affect your self-worth; there's no need to ponder over what people might think about you. You are your own being and you know that you respect yourself and that's all that matters. You don't take anything personally.

 

The interesting thing is that when you do things like the bullet points above, you are actually reinforcing the belief that you aren't enough because you are doing that thing to cover up the feeling. If any girls reading this use makeup as a way to alleviate the feeling of incompleteness, I would suggest you use that makeup to write on your mirror in large letters, I'M ENOUGH. Hang some posters of I'M ENOUGH in your room to remind you of it. Then you must remind yourself of this every morning, day, and night, and every situation until you know that it is indeed true. Hope this helps.

I love it. This way of thinking's helped me to overcome this kind of anxiety that I'm being judged by everyone. Later I realised that even if they do it, it's because they're insecure about something too and they try to cover it up by pointing out mistakes of others. I think that we should realise that we're all equal and we all make mistakes and that's what makes us perfect.

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When I have a conflict with a loved one or someone I care about, I feel physical nausea and the world and myself feel "not alright" to me.

Some other people seem to be able to completely repel negative feelings, for them when there is a conflict on the phone or something they turn off their phone and apparently go on normally with life. While I can't just forget the hurt and my mind becomes stuck on the conflict and I tend to dwell on it and can't "move on" and it takes ages.

Anyone else here like that ? Sometimes I wish I could turn off my feelings completely and not feel anything at all anymore. Then again I curse those insensitive people who emotionally wreck you so that you wish you had no feelings, and who can't understand what they are doing to you because they don't feel as strongly !

 

I am emotional wreck right now again :sob:

 

Where did I go wrong, or where did it all go wrong ?

You mean you feel guilty about falling out or you can't stop thinking of what could you have said diffrently? Or you just feel upset about it?

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When I have a conflict with a loved one or someone I care about, I feel physical nausea and the world and myself feel "not alright" to me.

Some other people seem to be able to completely repel negative feelings, for them when there is a conflict on the phone or something they turn off their phone and apparently go on normally with life. While I can't just forget the hurt and my mind becomes stuck on the conflict and I tend to dwell on it and can't "move on" and it takes ages.

Anyone else here like that ? Sometimes I wish I could turn off my feelings completely and not feel anything at all anymore. Then again I curse those insensitive people who emotionally wreck you so that you wish you had no feelings, and who can't understand what they are doing to you because they don't feel as strongly !

 

I am emotional wreck right now again :sob:

 

Where did I go wrong, or where did it all go wrong ?

First of all, you can feel whatever you want to feel. You're not wrong by any means.

Second, I might be one of those who "turn off" their feelings. But, it's more like "turning the page" as there are things that doesn't deserve my attention or moments that if I keep overthinking will drag me down. To be honest I'm not in my best times. There's something that is making me feel a little bit depressed. However, instead of letting it make my life miserable I am trying to find a way to face it. There are things that are easy to forget but the ones which can't be forgotten should be faced. You're strong, just find your road to happiness, there'll be stones but use them to keep fighting. Sending you a big hug

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When I have a conflict with a loved one or someone I care about, I feel physical nausea and the world and myself feel "not alright" to me.

Some other people seem to be able to completely repel negative feelings, for them when there is a conflict on the phone or something they turn off their phone and apparently go on normally with life. While I can't just forget the hurt and my mind becomes stuck on the conflict and I tend to dwell on it and can't "move on" and it takes ages.

Anyone else here like that ? Sometimes I wish I could turn off my feelings completely and not feel anything at all anymore. Then again I curse those insensitive people who emotionally wreck you so that you wish you had no feelings, and who can't understand what they are doing to you because they don't feel as strongly !

 

I am emotional wreck right now again :sob:

 

Where did I go wrong, or where did it all go wrong ?

 

i struggle a lot with anxiety, so i think i understand how you're feeling. i've lived with it for long enough now that when i start to feel that way, i know i must have done something that my brain thinks means i messed up, even if it was something small and probably insignificant.

once i figure out what is probably bothering me - similar to what @guy42 suggested - then i try to say to myself, "you didn't do anything wrong." actually often i find that it's easier for me to cope and change my feelings about something while referring to myself in the second person instead of first person :p

so if you find yourself asking "where did i go wrong?" then you may answer, "you didn't do anything wrong." know that it might not work right away, and you may have to keep saying this over and over again. but over time it will get better.

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I love it. This way of thinking's helped me to overcome this kind of anxiety that I'm being judged by everyone. Later I realised that even if they do it, it's because they're insecure about something too and they try to cover it up by pointing out mistakes of others. I think that we should realise that we're all equal and we all make mistakes and that's what makes us perfect.

i struggle a lot with anxiety, so i think i understand how you're feeling. i've lived with it for long enough now that when i start to feel that way, i know i must have done something that my brain thinks means i messed up, even if it was something small and probably insignificant.

once i figure out what is probably bothering me - similar to what @guy42 suggested - then i try to say to myself, "you didn't do anything wrong." actually often i find that it's easier for me to cope and change my feelings about something while referring to myself in the second person instead of first person :p

so if you find yourself asking "where did i go wrong?" then you may answer, "you didn't do anything wrong." know that it might not work right away, and you may have to keep saying this over and over again. but over time it will get better.

Actually both of these things that you guys mentioned helped me as well, so I totally agree :)

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Hey dear.

 

I've learned that basically the source of this kind of pain comes from the fact that a person thinks that s/he's "not good enough." This source causes people to do many things that they wouldn't do if they fully accepted themselves as they are. It manifests itself in many ways. For example, here are a few off the top of my head:

  • workaholism - you work at every opportunity to try and alleviate this feeling "I'm not worth it" and to prove to yourself and others that you are complete
  • perfectionism - you try to be perfect at everything you do to alleviate the nagging sense there is something wrong with you; you think that being perfect will finally solve the dilemma of you being incomplete
  • anorexia / body dysmorphia - both are a result of believing yourself to not be enough; you believe that something about your body is making you incomplete

There's probably more that you can come up with yourself.

Another way it manifests itself is how you react to something negative that happens to you. If someone embarrasses you, for example, that is something that affects your reputation and sense of identity. You become angry at that person because "how dare they" poke at your fragile identity. The reason they aren't allowed to poke around at you is because there is some insecurity there. The insecurity is that deep down you feel that you aren't enough. (BTW, I'm not singling you out. When I say "you" I speak in general since this thing is extremely common.)

 

When did this all begin? Well, part of the problem is that from early years, our parents and/or society instilled in us the idea that we aren't good enough unless we prove ourselves. They wanted us to be good at academics, sports, etc. and they would get disappointed with us if we didn't do well, i.e., they would make us feel guilty for it. I think that to the degree that one's parents or society made someone feel guilty about that sort of thing, that is the degree to which one feels incomplete later in life. For some reason, parents & society don't really trust that children will do well in life without punishing them / making them feel guilt at some point. Of course, there are kids that don't buy into all the guilt trip BS from their parents, and they end up doing great emotionally later on because of it.

 

The way to fix the problem is to change the thinking patterns that you are used to. You need to be able to transition from the thought "I'm not enough - I need XXXXX" to "I'm enough." I'M ENOUGH is a powerful belief that will set you free. When you know you're enough, you don't need to prove it with any kind of actions. You don't need to prove it with your reputation or any external displays. Anything that people do to you doesn't affect your self-worth; there's no need to ponder over what people might think about you. You are your own being and you know that you respect yourself and that's all that matters. You don't take anything personally.

 

The interesting thing is that when you do things like the bullet points above, you are actually reinforcing the belief that you aren't enough because you are doing that thing to cover up the feeling. If any girls reading this use makeup as a way to alleviate the feeling of incompleteness, I would suggest you use that makeup to write on your mirror in large letters, I'M ENOUGH. Hang some posters of I'M ENOUGH in your room to remind you of it. Then you must remind yourself of this every morning, day, and night, and every situation until you know that it is indeed true. Hope this helps.

 

Interesting viewpoint ! I must admit I have never quite thought of it that way. I tend to think that those people who are tread upon other people's feelings without giving a damn and reject every criticism directed at them are the ones with hidden insecurities, and they assert themselves in that way to overcome them. But I see what you mean that the "trod-upon" people like me can be insecure too. While none of the bullet points apply to me in particular (ok ok, maybe a tad little perfectionism sometimes), I understand what you mean. I don't think I care too much what other people think about me, though, to be honest. I mean, not more than what I would call healthy and common in society. I'm not constantly thinking about the impression other people might have of me. The reason that conflicts with a loved one upset me so much is more that I have an inner need for harmony with the environment, or are you saying this may this be insecurity in itself too ? Hm...

 

I love it. This way of thinking's helped me to overcome this kind of anxiety that I'm being judged by everyone. Later I realised that even if they do it, it's because they're insecure about something too and they try to cover it up by pointing out mistakes of others. I think that we should realise that we're all equal and we all make mistakes and that's what makes us perfect.

I agree and I think we are all not flawless and perfect, which is exactly what makes us human. Human beings are not flawless, but if we recognize our mistakes and acknowledge that we will never be perfect, we get closer to perfection.

But some people just think they are better than everyone else or have this superiority feeling and those are the ones you tend to have trouble with in my experience because they never even consider that something may be their fault, or that they might have made a mistake, they always blame it all on somebody else and feel wronged. And don't know how much damage they do, and how deeply they can hurt their loved ones when they act like that. I have been thinking as well that this may come from some deeply hidden insecurity or inferiority complex on their part. But you can't confront them about their behavior cause if you do, they will reject everything and be offended immediately. At least the person I'm dealing with is like that, and it's awful because I care about this person :'(

 

You mean you feel guilty about falling out or you can't stop thinking of what could you have said diffrently? Or you just feel upset about it?

I just feel upset about it for a long time. Of course you always ask yourself "what could I have done differently" or "was is my fault" but sometimes when another person just picks a fight because you know they always pick a fight, I don't feel guilty because I know this time it definitely wasn't my fault. But I still feel nauseous and upset if the conflict does not get resolved quickly. In a way I seem to be addicted to harmony, you know what I mean ? When something is not alright it feels like my world and life is out of balance.

 

First of all, you can feel whatever you want to feel. You're not wrong by any means.

Second, I might be one of those who "turn off" their feelings. But, it's more like "turning the page" as there are things that doesn't deserve my attention or moments that if I keep overthinking will drag me down. To be honest I'm not in my best times. There's something that is making me feel a little bit depressed. However, instead of letting it make my life miserable I am trying to find a way to face it. There are things that are easy to forget but the ones which can't be forgotten should be faced. You're strong, just find your road to happiness, there'll be stones but use them to keep fighting. Sending you a big hug

Thanks for the hug and sending out one to you too. I hope whatever makes you feel down will go away soon. "May all your troubles soon be gone". It's always so much easier said than done though. I am still struggling with seeing the positive things in life more clearly than the negative ones. I do think it's a conscious choice you can make but you need to be strong-willed for that, I'm working on it....

 

i struggle a lot with anxiety, so i think i understand how you're feeling. i've lived with it for long enough now that when i start to feel that way, i know i must have done something that my brain thinks means i messed up, even if it was something small and probably insignificant.

once i figure out what is probably bothering me - similar to what @guy42 suggested - then i try to say to myself, "you didn't do anything wrong." actually often i find that it's easier for me to cope and change my feelings about something while referring to myself in the second person instead of first person :p

so if you find yourself asking "where did i go wrong?" then you may answer, "you didn't do anything wrong." know that it might not work right away, and you may have to keep saying this over and over again. but over time it will get better.

That's a good point. I never am really sure how much my own faults/difficult personality (?) add into conflicts with other people, and it's always easier to detect flaws in other people than in yourself, so naturally this insecurity about the own fault in this is a constant companion. But yeah, maybe I should think about addressing myself in second person ;)

 

By the way, I was hoping there'd be Coldplaying awards this year because I wanted to vote for this thread to win best Lounge thread. Thanks so much @Little Miss Coldplay for making it, it's great to have a place to discuss these things :heart:

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Thanks for the hug and sending out one to you too. I hope whatever makes you feel down will go away soon. "May all your troubles soon be gone". It's always so much easier said than done though. I am still struggling with seeing the positive things in life more clearly than the negative ones. I do think it's a conscious choice you can make but you need to be strong-willed for that, I'm working on it....

 

keep working on it! it does get easier over time... and i think definitely easier when you have so many other like-minded people around to help reaffirm things :nice:

 

and i agree, this is definitely the best thread :D

 

 

well, except maybe C/J :P

 

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The reason that conflicts with a loved one upset me so much is more that I have an inner need for harmony with the environment, or are you saying this may this be insecurity in itself too ? Hm...

I guess when you have a conflict with a loved one, it might be good to have some nausea in those cases where you are wrong because it will help keep you in check :). Also, it may mean that you're a better person because of it. But when you're in the right, perhaps the nausea isn't as strong idk...

 

I think that physical symptoms like that can be an indication that some limiting or fear-based belief has been internalized and now lives in the subconscious and wants to be free, but the conscious mind thinks it's too scary so it never / hardly ever comes up in your thoughts, and so that belief expresses itself through psychosomatic means. Suggestion: see if you can identify what that belief is for yourself. (Note that it can be very challenging to identify the belief and then change it. Also, it can take years to do.) Let me suggest a possible limiting belief that you may have based on what you have written so far, and then you can decide for yourself if it is true: "If things don't go my way, it is the end of the world. I must be in control at all times."

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I don't know if this is the place to post... but

 

My heart and thoughts go to the victims of the attack at a Christmas market in Berlin.

[emoji53]

 

i only just heard about this, as one of my friends from high school who is living in Berlin right now marked herself safe on Facebook but i hadn't looked into it yet...

it's very sad to hear, and i hope that the rest of the people who were injured will recover OK :(

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I don't know if this is the place to post... but

 

My heart and thoughts go to the victims of the attack at a Christmas market in Berlin.

[emoji53]

This is the right place. This saddens me because I immediately thought on our lovely German coldplayers and the families who are having a difficult time. Sending love to Germany

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Hey dear.

 

I've learned that basically the source of this kind of pain comes from the fact that a person thinks that s/he's "not good enough." This source causes people to do many things that they wouldn't do if they fully accepted themselves as they are. It manifests itself in many ways. For example, here are a few off the top of my head:

  • workaholism - you work at every opportunity to try and alleviate this feeling "I'm not worth it" and to prove to yourself and others that you are complete
  • perfectionism - you try to be perfect at everything you do to alleviate the nagging sense there is something wrong with you; you think that being perfect will finally solve the dilemma of you being incomplete
  • anorexia / body dysmorphia - both are a result of believing yourself to not be enough; you believe that something about your body is making you incomplete

There's probably more that you can come up with yourself.

Another way it manifests itself is how you react to something negative that happens to you. If someone embarrasses you, for example, that is something that affects your reputation and sense of identity. You become angry at that person because "how dare they" poke at your fragile identity. The reason they aren't allowed to poke around at you is because there is some insecurity there. The insecurity is that deep down you feel that you aren't enough. (BTW, I'm not singling you out. When I say "you" I speak in general since this thing is extremely common.)

 

When did this all begin? Well, part of the problem is that from early years, our parents and/or society instilled in us the idea that we aren't good enough unless we prove ourselves. They wanted us to be good at academics, sports, etc. and they would get disappointed with us if we didn't do well, i.e., they would make us feel guilty for it. I think that to the degree that one's parents or society made someone feel guilty about that sort of thing, that is the degree to which one feels incomplete later in life. For some reason, parents & society don't really trust that children will do well in life without punishing them / making them feel guilt at some point. Of course, there are kids that don't buy into all the guilt trip BS from their parents, and they end up doing great emotionally later on because of it.

 

The way to fix the problem is to change the thinking patterns that you are used to. You need to be able to transition from the thought "I'm not enough - I need XXXXX" to "I'm enough." I'M ENOUGH is a powerful belief that will set you free. When you know you're enough, you don't need to prove it with any kind of actions. You don't need to prove it with your reputation or any external displays. Anything that people do to you doesn't affect your self-worth; there's no need to ponder over what people might think about you. You are your own being and you know that you respect yourself and that's all that matters. You don't take anything personally.

 

The interesting thing is that when you do things like the bullet points above, you are actually reinforcing the belief that you aren't enough because you are doing that thing to cover up the feeling. If any girls reading this use makeup as a way to alleviate the feeling of incompleteness, I would suggest you use that makeup to write on your mirror in large letters, I'M ENOUGH. Hang some posters of I'M ENOUGH in your room to remind you of it. Then you must remind yourself of this every morning, day, and night, and every situation until you know that it is indeed true. Hope this helps.

Wonderfully written post. Sounds professional. Great job and I agree with everything you've said here. :)

 

Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Coldplaying mobile app

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Interesting viewpoint ! I must admit I have never quite thought of it that way. I tend to think that those people who are tread upon other people's feelings without giving a damn and reject every criticism directed at them are the ones with hidden insecurities, and they assert themselves in that way to overcome them. But I see what you mean that the "trod-upon" people like me can be insecure too. While none of the bullet points apply to me in particular (ok ok, maybe a tad little perfectionism sometimes), I understand what you mean. I don't think I care too much what other people think about me, though, to be honest. I mean, not more than what I would call healthy and common in society. I'm not constantly thinking about the impression other people might have of me. The reason that conflicts with a loved one upset me so much is more that I have an inner need for harmony with the environment, or are you saying this may this be insecurity in itself too ? Hm...

 

 

I agree and I think we are all not flawless and perfect, which is exactly what makes us human. Human beings are not flawless, but if we recognize our mistakes and acknowledge that we will never be perfect, we get closer to perfection.

But some people just think they are better than everyone else or have this superiority feeling and those are the ones you tend to have trouble with in my experience because they never even consider that something may be their fault, or that they might have made a mistake, they always blame it all on somebody else and feel wronged. And don't know how much damage they do, and how deeply they can hurt their loved ones when they act like that. I have been thinking as well that this may come from some deeply hidden insecurity or inferiority complex on their part. But you can't confront them about their behavior cause if you do, they will reject everything and be offended immediately. At least the person I'm dealing with is like that, and it's awful because I care about this person :'(

 

 

I just feel upset about it for a long time. Of course you always ask yourself "what could I have done differently" or "was is my fault" but sometimes when another person just picks a fight because you know they always pick a fight, I don't feel guilty because I know this time it definitely wasn't my fault. But I still feel nauseous and upset if the conflict does not get resolved quickly. In a way I seem to be addicted to harmony, you know what I mean ? When something is not alright it feels like my world and life is out of balance.

 

 

Thanks for the hug and sending out one to you too. I hope whatever makes you feel down will go away soon. "May all your troubles soon be gone". It's always so much easier said than done though. I am still struggling with seeing the positive things in life more clearly than the negative ones. I do think it's a conscious choice you can make but you need to be strong-willed for that, I'm working on it....

 

 

That's a good point. I never am really sure how much my own faults/difficult personality (?) add into conflicts with other people, and it's always easier to detect flaws in other people than in yourself, so naturally this insecurity about the own fault in this is a constant companion. But yeah, maybe I should think about addressing myself in second person ;)

 

By the way, I was hoping there'd be Coldplaying awards this year because I wanted to vote for this thread to win best Lounge thread. Thanks so much @Little Miss Coldplay for making it, it's great to have a place to discuss these things :heart:

I send a hug to you too. Things get me down in life sometimes too and sometimes it feels hard to move on. But the tips above really helped. And at the end of the day I always know "it's gonna be alright" :)

 

Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Coldplaying mobile app

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I don't know if this is the place to post... but

 

My heart and thoughts go to the victims of the attack at a Christmas market in Berlin.

[emoji53]

:(

 

I didn't even know this till now. I don't know a lot about it so I'll look it up. Sounds awful though...

 

EDIT: :( Such a nice peaceful place, completely innocent, had to get wrecked by these sick people in a truck... Ugh. Terrible. I offer my condolences to anyone who has family there (or is there themselves as well) and I hope that no more deaths or injuries happen (unfortunately that's almost always the case... :() Very sad. Why does this happen? :(

 

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This is the right place. This saddens me because I immediately thought on our lovely German coldplayers and the families who are having a difficult time. Sending love to Germany

I have too been thinking about them all day, worried that our German Coldplayer friends or their families have not been hurt in this tragedy. I am truly sad for you that this terrible act of cowardice marred your Christmas week! Peace. Please let us know you are ok!!

 

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Interesting viewpoint ! I must admit I have never quite thought of it that way. I tend to think that those people who are tread upon other people's feelings without giving a damn and reject every criticism directed at them are the ones with hidden insecurities, and they assert themselves in that way to overcome them. But I see what you mean that the "trod-upon" people like me can be insecure too. While none of the bullet points apply to me in particular (ok ok, maybe a tad little perfectionism sometimes), I understand what you mean. I don't think I care too much what other people think about me, though, to be honest. I mean, not more than what I would call healthy and common in society. I'm not constantly thinking about the impression other people might have of me. The reason that conflicts with a loved one upset me so much is more that I have an inner need for harmony with the environment, or are you saying this may this be insecurity in itself too ? Hm...

 

 

I agree and I think we are all not flawless and perfect, which is exactly what makes us human. Human beings are not flawless, but if we recognize our mistakes and acknowledge that we will never be perfect, we get closer to perfection.

But some people just think they are better than everyone else or have this superiority feeling and those are the ones you tend to have trouble with in my experience because they never even consider that something may be their fault, or that they might have made a mistake, they always blame it all on somebody else and feel wronged. And don't know how much damage they do, and how deeply they can hurt their loved ones when they act like that. I have been thinking as well that this may come from some deeply hidden insecurity or inferiority complex on their part. But you can't confront them about their behavior cause if you do, they will reject everything and be offended immediately. At least the person I'm dealing with is like that, and it's awful because I care about this person :'(

 

 

I just feel upset about it for a long time. Of course you always ask yourself "what could I have done differently" or "was is my fault" but sometimes when another person just picks a fight because you know they always pick a fight, I don't feel guilty because I know this time it definitely wasn't my fault. But I still feel nauseous and upset if the conflict does not get resolved quickly. In a way I seem to be addicted to harmony, you know what I mean ? When something is not alright it feels like my world and life is out of balance.

 

 

Thanks for the hug and sending out one to you too. I hope whatever makes you feel down will go away soon. "May all your troubles soon be gone". It's always so much easier said than done though. I am still struggling with seeing the positive things in life more clearly than the negative ones. I do think it's a conscious choice you can make but you need to be strong-willed for that, I'm working on it....

 

 

That's a good point. I never am really sure how much my own faults/difficult personality (?) add into conflicts with other people, and it's always easier to detect flaws in other people than in yourself, so naturally this insecurity about the own fault in this is a constant companion. But yeah, maybe I should think about addressing myself in second person ;)

 

By the way, I was hoping there'd be Coldplaying awards this year because I wanted to vote for this thread to win best Lounge thread. Thanks so much @Little Miss Coldplay for making it, it's great to have a place to discuss these things [emoji813]

@ I ran away, I am sorry to hear you feel sick with conflict. @guy42, that was a brilliant, caring post! My career has led me to help others deal with these feelings over and over. Yet, I also struggle with them. I had a conflict with my sister that led to us ultimately canceling Christmas this year. That part doesn't matter. What does is that I could not sleep and felt a hole in my heart since this happened last Tuesday. I wasn't hungry (rare!). So, finally, I called her Saturday. She didn't yell or get mad. She thanked me for biting the bullet and calling. You know what she said - she hadn't been sleeping either.

 

Point is: Sometimes we assume the other person is self-assured, narcissistic (like a certain President-elect I can think of), and arrogant to the point of thinking they do no wrong. We may be right, or they may be going through the same inner turmoil we are. During our recent election, we heard a quote, "When they go low, you go high", which I interpret as taking the high road and even extending an olive branch yourself, even if you think you were right.

 

I agree with Guy42. You have to know how to let go and reframe your view of a situation (*you, as in, all of us). I also know that people have different reactions to conflict, and some of us (@I ran away and myself included), may be what are known as conflict averse, or conflict avoiders. We just don't like being around conflict. Others enjoy it, even thrive on it to the point of creating it knowingly or unknowingly just because they like or need to be around it. Often, the hardest thing for a conflict avoider is standing up to one of those conflict enjoyers, who may not respect us unless we do. I have had to do that many times in business, and it works, but it makes me sick.

 

Some people take everything personally.They don't know how to accept feedback, which is a skill in and of itself. They may deflect it by throwing it back at you and saying you did something the same as they did or worse. Or they blame you for their own reaction/ interpretation of something you did. That is what my sister did. She assumed I blamed her for something, then said I misunderstood the situation. In fact, we actually agreed. We're all a product of our experiences and that effects our interpretations. For me, I now think life is too short to let conflict bother me, so I'm trying to do what I can to let things roll ofgf of me, and it is tremendously freeing. Best to you! You DESERVE to feel better, because you ARE better!

 

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I have too been thinking about them all day, worried that our German Coldplayer friends or their families have not been hurt in this tragedy. I am truly sad for you that this terrible act of cowardice marred your Christmas week! Peace. Please let us know you are ok!!

Just wanted to tell you that I am okay.

Just sitting appalled in front of the television.

 

My love goes to all families affected by this malicious attack.

 

As if it wasn't sad enough, Right Parties are using it for their election campaigns.

:broken_heart:

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Wonderfully written post. Sounds professional. Great job and I agree with everything you've said here. :)

 

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Thanks! I try to help whenever I can. Unfortunately I can't help those rascals that keeping wrecking our world. I hope that you people in Germany are handling yourselves okay...

@ I ran away, I am sorry to hear you feel sick with conflict. @guy42, that was a brilliant, caring post! My career has led me to help others deal with these feelings over and over. Yet, I also struggle with them. I had a conflict with my sister that led to us ultimately canceling Christmas this year. That part doesn't matter. What does is that I could not sleep and felt a hole in my heart since this happened last Tuesday. I wasn't hungry (rare!). So, finally, I called her Saturday. She didn't yell or get mad. She thanked me for biting the bullet and calling. You know what she said - she hadn't been sleeping either.

 

Point is: Sometimes we assume the other person is self-assured, narcissistic (like a certain President-elect I can think of), and arrogant to the point of thinking they do no wrong. We may be right, or they may be going through the same inner turmoil we are. During our recent election, we heard a quote, "When they go low, you go high", which I interpret as taking the high road and even extending an olive branch yourself, even if you think you were right.

 

I agree with Guy42. You have to know how to let go and reframe your view of a situation (*you, as in, all of us). I also know that people have different reactions to conflict, and some of us (@I ran away and myself included), may be what are known as conflict averse, or conflict avoiders. We just don't like being around conflict. Others enjoy it, even thrive on it to the point of creating it knowingly or unknowingly just because they like or need to be around it. Often, the hardest thing for a conflict avoider is standing up to one of those conflict enjoyers, who may not respect us unless we do. I have had to do that many times in business, and it works, but it makes me sick.

 

Some people take everything personally.They don't know how to accept feedback, which is a skill in and of itself. They may deflect it by throwing it back at you and saying you did something the same as they did or worse. Or they blame you for their own reaction/ interpretation of something you did. That is what my sister did. She assumed I blamed her for something, then said I misunderstood the situation. In fact, we actually agreed. We're all a product of our experiences and that effects our interpretations. For me, I now think life is too short to let conflict bother me, so I'm trying to do what I can to let things roll off of me, and it is tremendously freeing. Best to you! You DESERVE to feel better, because you ARE better!

 

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Wise words, well said.

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I agree and I think we are all not flawless and perfect, which is exactly what makes us human. Human beings are not flawless, but if we recognize our mistakes and acknowledge that we will never be perfect, we get closer to perfection.

But some people just think they are better than everyone else or have this superiority feeling and those are the ones you tend to have trouble with in my experience because they never even consider that something may be their fault, or that they might have made a mistake, they always blame it all on somebody else and feel wronged. And don't know how much damage they do, and how deeply they can hurt their loved ones when they act like that. I have been thinking as well that this may come from some deeply hidden insecurity or inferiority complex on their part. But you can't confront them about their behavior cause if you do, they will reject everything and be offended immediately. At least the person I'm dealing with is like that, and it's awful because I care about this perso

 

 

I just feel upset about it for a long time. Of course you always ask yourself "what could I have done differently" or "was is my fault" but sometimes when another person just picks a fight because you know they always pick a fight, I don't feel guilty because I know this time it definitely wasn't my fault. But I still feel nauseous and upset if that conflict does not get resolved quickly. In a way I seem to be addicted to harmony, you know what I mean ? When something is not alright it feels like my world and life is out of balance.

 

@iamsue has beautifully responded to it but I'll throw in my two cents too.

I think that love is accepting that the loved ones might not be always right, might hurt us unconsciously, might not see their mistakes. But despite that, we should keep patient and try to think how to cautiously make them see when they were wrong. I figured it out while thinking about my parents - they love me unconditionally, even though I've hurt them, lied to them, ignored them in the past. It took me a long time to understand some things, so showing patience and consideration is essential.

 

Asking yourself these 'what if...' questions doesn't lead to anywhere. Realising that everything happens for a reason helps a lot. Looking at some traumatic experiences from the past makes us see that they made us stronger after all. And it works the same in some less significant situations.

In terms of harmony, I have that problem too. Probably that's why I spend most time on my own. I think it's a fear of doing something wrong. But it doesn't lead to anything either. I'm trying to explain to myself that if I confront these uncomfortable situations, I'll learn from them and be able to react in a better way in the future.

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i struggle a lot with anxiety, so i think i understand how you're feeling. i've lived with it for long enough now that when i start to feel that way, i know i must have done something that my brain thinks means i messed up, even if it was something small and probably insignificant.

once i figure out what is probably bothering me - similar to what @guy42 suggested - then i try to say to myself, "you didn't do anything wrong." actually often i find that it's easier for me to cope and change my feelings about something while referring to myself in the second person instead of first person :p

so if you find yourself asking "where did i go wrong?" then you may answer, "you didn't do anything wrong." know that it might not work right away, and you may have to keep saying this over and over again. but over time it will get better.

 

@iranaway You aren't alone. I feel the same way in those situations, everything feels terrible and broken and I also feel like I could have done something more to avoid the situation/conflict that's occurring.

But I agree with coldplayisawesome, ultimately beating yourself up about a conflict you are in/decision you made won't get you anywhere and it most likely wasn't even anything you did that was wrong. My friends usually have to tell me this multiple times before I actually take it in...

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