Everyday Life and depression

[I ran away]

I wanted to write about the album Everyday Life and depression.
First off, I need to tell you that I'm suffering from clinical depression. I may have alluded to it before but a couple of weeks ago I decided to truly talk about it openly on Twitter and now I'm coming out with it on Coldplaying too. Because mental health is so important and it needs to get more awareness and understanding in the general public, and I'm trying to do my bit. Almost exactly one year ago, I was at an absolute low point. I missed watching AHFODFilm in the cinema because I was hospitalized on the morning of that very day.

One year on, I'm much more stable but there are times when I'm still feeling very depressed despite ongoing therapy. This illness has cost me a lot. I think it has even cost me a friendship that was very dear to me.

Just as a quick explanation, depression is NOT the same as sadness. It's very hard/impossible to understand if you have never felt it.
The difference is (for example), when I'm "only" sad, I can listen to Coldplay (an album like X&Y or AROBTTH maybe) and be sure the songs will lift me up. When I'm truly depressed, I can listen to X&Y and it won't speak to me anymore because I'm in a dark, emotionally unreachable place where I question my existence and life and everything.
That said, music may not lift me up but depressing music can make it worse.

So now Everyday Life came out (or rather, it leaked) and from the first minute of listening to it, I felt this would be an emotional, dark and heavy album. Don't get me wrong, I love it and think it's a masterpiece and musically I've been waiting for Coldplay to return to darker and heavy music for a long time. But I can't help wonder if listening to it that often is doing me any good right now. I'll list some songs I have issues with:

Sunrise is such a sad, sad track that ends with a glimmer of hope, but for most of it feels like a funeral march to me. Those strings really tug at your heart.

Trouble in Town is my favourite track tied with Champion of the World, but it is so dark and bleak and hopeless at times. When that piano comes in at "And I get no shelter..." and when the instrumental explodes and the chords change...

Daddy is such an emotional song and a tear jerker/heart breaker under any circumstance. But on Monday I was listening to Daddy when I found out that someone I thought of as a dear friend had blocked me on Twitter. It was just too much. I had to stop listening to the album when that happened.

Arabesque is not sad but very heavy and the truth is it makes me feel nervous and a bit overwhelmed at times

When I Need A Friend is on the melancholic spectrum or at least certainly feels like that to me.

Eko sounds very wistful/longing and sad in tone.

Old Friends is not sad per se but reminds me of the fact I have almost no friends and that people who are your friends today might have left you by tomorrow.

The piano in Bani Adam is so goddamn sad, sad, SAD. I really don't know where the band plucked all that sadness from suddenly. The second part with guitar and drums is not exactly happy either.

Everyday Life has such beautiful strings but they tug at my heart too.

Tl;dr I feel like listening to this album can potentially make you even more depressed.

I was wondering how you cope with what music does to your feelings, and if anybody has similar feelings about Everyday Life or sees it differently.

 

[jc90]

Thanks for sharing, it takes a lot to share something so personal out in the universe like this.

I'm not going to act like I suffered anywhere close to what you're describing. One of the closest instances might be when I went through a breakup a couple years ago. As usual when im feeling down, I would turn to music/Coldplay and found myself turning to the sadder songs to almost dig myself a deeper hole. In time, what I came to realize is that when i'm happy I listen to Coldplay too. When im excited I listen to Coldplay. When im trying to get amped up I listen to Coldplay. I further realized the incredible transformational power music and Coldplay's music in particular has on me. I created a mantra for myself and a symbol. I'd like to share it with you.

The Next Track
>>|​

Basically it reminds me that even though I feel like listening to sad songs when im sad, all I have to do is hit the next track on shuffle and listen to a happy track, and my mood would start to lift instantly. Of course, this was just a silly breakup I went though, but thought id see if it helps you.

Feel better soon!

 

[42Escapist]

First of all... thank you for sharing this.

It's interesting because music affects people in so many different ways. I became a fan when I heard X&Y for the first time. I was a depressed teenager at the time who still deals with that from time to time, and for me the darker atmosphere of X&Y was therapeutic, as were albums like Radiohead's Kid A, Deftones' White Pony, and Blink-182's self-titled album.

I was actually in a similar situation to you, I got hospitalized more than once. Things got better over time, I saw Coldplay live for the first time in 2016 and that was powerful for me, but then things got bad again. I started university and I felt lost, got involved in a bad crowd, and just... struggled. I did poorly in classes, I took out my frustration with myself on other people who have never spoken to me since then... I hate thinking about that time. I dislike that version of myself so much. Things have been on the upswing again after a couple years, thank goodness...

Everyday Life hits me, as some in my generation might put it, "right in the feels." There are aspects of it that hit very close to home. Personally, I find that therapeutic. But I completely understand why that might not be the case for everyone.

Stay strong, my friend.

 

[The Adversary]

Mental health is such a serious problem that gets ignored in society. Especially in my own demographic of young men in their twenties, I know all too well how depression can take someone’s beautiful soul and just wreck it entirely.

I went through a rough patch in 2015 where things in life just got on top of me. I was feeling really down and didn’t see much light at the end of the tunnel.. but I pulled through in the end, my circumstances changed and I’m in a much better place now. So all I would say to you is this... hang in there because you never know what tomorrow might bring.

I salute your braveness for speaking out and in regards about how EL is making you feel worse, the album and the band will still be there, just wait until your in a better frame of mind.

There’s more to life than just Coldplay.

 

[Hedwig]

Haven't written a long post in a while but felt like I really needed to reply to this,
What I love about Coldplay songs is that for me, even the saddest songs have a glimmer of hope in them.... If I am in a really bad mood and I decide to make myself even worse by listening to sad songs I let myself do just that... Because I end up crying and it helps me let it all out. If I am feeling numb though and that everything is pointless I go to Coldplay... Their songs make me feel like I am understood and I get this weird feeling like they are giving me a long hug... This beautiful comfort... I still feel sad but it's like Coldplay/ their songs/ the music is telling me that it will pass. I don't really know how to explain it. I just end up feeling more hopeful... I was actually in a dark place when I first started listening to Coldplay and their music really helped me.

Now for Everyday Life, it is darker than most of their other albums so I can see why you feel that way. I can barely hold back tears when I listen to Daddy, and Trouble in Town's line " and I get no shelter" really tugs at my heart too. I get chills with a lot of songs from this album and get a lot of melancholic vibes from it as well. But I still get this comforting feeling that I get with their other songs and that's the magic of Coldplay for me
Eko makes me melancholic but also has this calming effect. Same with When I Need A Friend. Even the darkest songs in this album feel like a way to vent for me, I really like their intensity. Maybe they would affect me in a different way if it wasn't Coldplay,

Now for how I cope with what music does to my feelings. When I am sad, I don't avoid listening to sad songs anymore. I accept the feeling but I've made a deal with myself not to let it overwhelm me and drown me. So I allow myself to listen to sad songs on repeat for as long as I need it but I am careful not to wallow in my sadness too much and try to be aware of my feelings and how they are affecting me and the way I act. And then I slowly try to lift myself up... start taking care of myself even when I don't want to, forcing myself to go out with friends because I know I will have fun and being alone will make it worse. It's all a process. But it gets better in time.
Now in no way do I say that I know how you feel. I haven't actually gone to a therapist and haven't been diagnosed with depression although I've been fighting with these feelings for many years and I have many relatives that have clinical depression so I've seen it first hand what it can do to a person. What I've learned though is that every situation is different and not every person acts and feels the same. I just wanted to share with you my feelings because your post made me feel some kind of way.

If you feel like listening to EL makes you feel worse and that it doesn't help with your situation you should take care of yourself! It's okay if you feel like you can't listen to the new songs that much, you will have all the time in the world to listen to them when you feel better. Taking care of yourself should be your priority. I wish you all the best and hope you will feel much better soon

 

[iamsue]

@I ran away,

You are, and always will be, a dear friend to me. What you are doing to spread the message about mental health is truly admirable. As you know, but I will share here for the first time, I too suffer from anxiety and clinical depression, the latter of which usually arises only in certain situations, but is no less debilitating during the timeframes it strikes,

My friends here, know that my mom’s death two years ago 11/20 and my best friend’s death three years ago Thanksgiving are two of those situations that were hard to come back from. So this album coming out this time of year is really dangerous for me. I’ve already shared that Everyday Life track was really triggering. So I’m grateful you’ve done us all a service with this thread and your assessments. I’ll be skipping the songs you mention above for now.

Meanwhile, be well, friend! To everyone who might suffer from mental illnesses, please check out The Mighty.com and app, They have threads on many mental health and other illnesses and incredible resources and articles from fellow sufferers. It could save your life.

 

[Famous Old Painter]

My partner is hospitalised after she attempted to take her life today. I can’t say I’m holding together terribly well either. It’s... rough to say the least.

 

[Famous Old Painter]

I’m listening to Daddy at the moment and the beeping of the heart machine is in perfect tempo

 

[Captain Crieff]

@I ran away Thank you for posting this. It's so important to talk about it and every time someone is brave enough, the stigma goes away a little more.

I never really know what to say, or if what I say can help anyone, but it won't be like this all the time. It can and will get better again. Hang in there, and take all the time you need.

@Famous Old Painter Damn, I'm so sorry. Sending some good vibes to you and your partner

 

[Famous Old Painter]

Thanks, Captain

 

[beastwars]

Dear @I ran away, I really appreciate your courage to speak about it, I'm not even close to be a doctor but I think and hope that just doing it in public could be a good way to ease the pain and get a speedy (relatively speaking) recover, along with everything your therapy prescribes.
It saddens me to hear this from you just after my return here on CPing, you have always been one of the most well-known and beautiful voices here and I know that life could be very tough at times, but I couldn't see it coming.
In my life I've been lucky enough not to suffer of this kind of illnesses, so I can't understand your situation fully, but if there is something I'm certain is that music can always help to get everything better. I always cope with the feeling my life sucks and music literally saves me everyday, and I think I'm not the only one who thinks that.
So this passion led me to discover such a huge amount of different music that I can't think about something that could be useful for you, but you can discover it by yourself. Music could and should be part of your recovery strategy, we all need you at the best, and YOU deserve to feel better than this, for the person you are.
I can do so little for you from here, but just think that I've been away from CPing for ages and I have never forgotten about our great conversations together with other great people round here, so this means that you left something good in someone you've never met, and you can do it also with people you meet everyday or you're about to meet in your life.
...and also think about how many times I used the words "everyday" and "life" in this post, maybe in our darkest times we shouldn't be afraid to walk in the dark and let us be guided by a friendly voice like Chris' one. Maybe you don't know it, but this coincidence between the atmosphere of this LP and your situation could be good for you.

My thoughts and hopes are obviously with @Famous Old Painter too, hope everything will be fine for you and your partner.

This is not a CP song, but the title and the lyrics are my wish for you my friends, hope that one day you can say "as I finally leave the dark"

View: https://youtu.be/6UV-51gxPdE

 

[I ran away]

My partner is hospitalised after she attempted to take her life today. I can’t say I’m holding together terribly well either. It’s... rough to say the least.

Oh gosh, what a thing to have to go through. Replying to the other posts later but just wanted to say that we're thinking of you, and hope she makes it through !!! Stay strong !

 

[Famous Old Painter]

My partner’s out of hospital now and alive and well. Obviously the road ahead is going to be a difficult and frightening one for both of us, but I’m staying optimistic. Thanks for all the love and support, it means a lot.

 

[I ran away]

Thank you so much for all your replies, they mean very much to me I'm really in quite a state these days though, even reading through them made me tear up, and I think this is my third attempt to come up with a reply.

I mean, I'm aware there is nothing in the world forcing me to listen to the new Coldplay album, it's just that I have a strong urge to, as always when I "discover" new music that I love. At the moment, Everyday Life is kind of eclipsing everything else in terms of music I want to listen to. I'll have to see how to deal with it and maybe listen to it during brighter patches. Yesterday I had a longer bright patch and I listened to Trouble in Town and Bani Adam and had no issue with it. Like, I felt there was sadness in the songs but it didn't feel like it was flowing through me.

By the way, the one song that is really uplifting to me on this album is Champion Of The World. It's my favourite track tied with Trouble in Town. Granted, I was sold on it the moment I heard that guitar riff set in but when I heard the lyrics, the themes of trying but not fitting in, suicide, having a fighter spirit and overcoming adversities, I knew this was my song.
The lines that speak to me the most are:

"This mountainside, this suicide
This dream will never work,
Still the sign above my headstone write:
a Champion of the world"

and

"I am jumping with no parachute
out into the universe"
(interestingly, I loved this line when I saw it on the SNL guitar straps before even knowing what its song would sound like)

I love it how this song is so optimistic and yet touches some dark, dark subjects.

By the way I want to reply to some of the things you said specifically, will quote and make another post later.

 

[Hedwig]

Thank you so much for all your replies, they mean very much to me I'm really in quite a state these days though, even reading through them made me tear up, and I think this is my third attempt to come up with a reply.

I mean, I'm aware there is nothing in the world forcing me to listen to the new Coldplay album, it's just that I have a strong urge to, as always when I "discover" new music that I love. At the moment, Everyday Life is kind of eclipsing everything else in terms of music I want to listen to. I'll have to see how to deal with it and maybe listen to it during brighter patches. Yesterday I had a longer bright patch and I listened to Trouble in Town and Bani Adam and had no issue with it. Like, I felt there was sadness in the songs but it didn't feel like it was flowing through me.

By the way, the one song that is really uplifting to me on this album is Champion Of The World. It's my favourite track tied with Trouble in Town. Granted, I was sold on it the moment I heard that guitar riff set in but when I heard the lyrics, the themes of trying but not fitting in, suicide, having a fighter spirit and overcoming adversities, I knew this was my song.
The lines that speak to me the most are:

"This mountainside, this suicide
This dream will never work,
Still the sign above my headstone write:
a Champion of the world"

and

"I am jumping with no parachute
out into the universe"
(interestingly, I loved this line when I saw it on the SNL guitar straps before even knowing what its song would sound like)

I love it how this song is so optimistic and yet touches some dark, dark subjects.

By the way I want to reply to some of the things you said specifically, will quote and make another post later.

The same words spoke to both of us in Trouble in Town and the same words in Champion of the world as well! I completely agree with your view of this song, I feel the same way about it. And those specific lyrics are the ones that i always pay extra attention to and always sing them along

 

[iamsue]

Here is a link from a cartoon someone posted in some of the mental health threads. I think we here can relate! I will also get links to their music playlists. Every now and then they survey their users to compile lists that uplift, calm, distract from pain or help cope.

The Mighty. Making health about people.

You’ll find a community that has your back on The Mighty, no matter what health situation you’re going through. We talk about what health is really like — mental health, chronic illness, disability, rare disease, cancer, and much more.

themighty.com

.

 

[cp3176]

Alright so firstly I am so sorry to hear this. I think I heard you mention that somewhere before here tbh. It wasn't something I thought much about though. I swear I remember you saying this though. But in any case I am so sorry for you and I sincerely hope you do get better soon, because mental illness SUCKS and I can speak from experience. My thoughts go out to everybody affected by this, but most specifically in this thread @I ran away who was suffering very severely, and @Famous Old Painter as well.

For my story: I don't have clinical depression so I can't relate as specifically to what you're talking about, but I am on the OCD spectrum and I've experienced it all, from extremely mild starting from a specific event in March of 2015 that is still too triggering to talk about, but steadily and sneakily increasing for the first year and a half, then getting progressively worse and worse at the end of 2016 and into 2017. It was around this point that it was getting too severe that I couldn't hide it anymore. I figured at the beginning that I'd be older and wiser enough to deal with these issues and I'd be fine, but being so naive and not realizing so many people deal with the exact same issues growing up I had little Idea that I was almost literally "dead" wrong. I would be picky to the point where I just had to open up to my parents about it. I swore to not tell ANYBODY else about it, although the other people in the household began to take notice as well. I just didn't want word to spread outside the household and for people to make fun at me about it. I just didn't want to lose anyone, that was my fear (and as you mentioned, you actually lost somebody probably because of this, which is too bad that some people who are "normal" act that way and reject everybody else, it's just that social stigma and our fear of losing people that prevents us from opening up).

It got to the point where I was having complete mental breakdowns where there was this voice saying terrible things making me feel bad, and to stop it I'd self-injure, it'd get bad enough for me to do that around every two weeks. Then around April of 2017 it was every week. Eventually it was every few days, then every day in May 2017. June was arguably my low point, as I was having these meltdowns sometimes a few times a day. My parents threatened me with the emergency room, which we went to a few times but didn't actually get out as I managed to calm myself down enough. I had to calm down enough, because we were going on vacation and they were saying they might cancel it because I was that unstable. And I REALLY needed to get out of this ugly place, I felt that vacation would do me a very good job. I managed to keep things under wraps forcefully for a while, but that didn't fix the underlying issue whatsoever. We go on vacation and because I've been bottling this up it began to creep back again. I remember a freakout actually happening sort of out in the open, there weren't many people around, there was 1 though. He didn't really notice, but I was screaming and I threw my phone, lost a part of it and the screen was a little cracked where it hit the ground but it still worked fine, and would probably still work fine to this day if I hadn't sold it to get another phone.

Anyhow the big turnaround moment was on a specific day where there was supposed to be a huge fireworks show that was supposed to look really awesome. I seen something that triggered me and as usual I go into full meltdown mode. It was when I was in the truck, I'd seen other things that day that made me uncomfortable but that was the last straw. Was taken to the emergency room against my will, but it was definitely for the better. Ended up staying 5 or 6 hours there, which I know is nothing compared to some visits. But it was enough to make me miss the show, that I had planned for months, I had my playlist all set up and ready to go for it (hopefully you can tell how passionate I am about music now). I could hear my voice looking down and knowing that whatever they'd give me would make him go away, but at the very least "he was able to take away this show from me". I'm just very glad it wasn't a Coldplay concert. Series of doctors came in, pretty much asking me the same thing. Got extremely tiring after a while just saying the same thing over and over again, I don't know why they just don't bring in the biggest wig firstly. I guess he was busy and they were sending in lower level people first, but yeah. You could just tell the top psychiatrist was looking straight through you, could understand so well..... He was gonna give me some Prozac but a short term fix would be the.... I can't remember the name of it but it was a tiny little white dot, and it totally shut off all your emotions. It worked very well in the short term but you'd need to keep taking it so it would stop. It made me feel like a robot without emotion, and it was freaking terrible. But it was FAR better than having to deal with all that other garbage. They were considering keeping me for the night just to keep an eye on me, but I had calmed down enough by that point that they sent me back. At first they wanted to fly me home, and I was like nooooo way. I managed to win the rest of the trip back, but the last few days got stressful again, as I was not yet on Prozac, and even then it takes a few weeks to kick in so I wouldn't have felt the effect anyway. The day was a complete wreck by the way, just like every day was that had a meltdown. Once you expend that much bad energy on something like that, you just feel empty and torn up inside. You might be fine but it just doesn't feel very good whatsoever.

Got home and got on the Prozac.... after about four weeks it was doing freaking wonders. I still had those issues but they cooled off significantly, I wasn't freaking out as often anymore, and I could actually live life. I still had the tendencies I had in the past, but they didn't bother me as much and I could deal with it, even if it was in a very weird way, calmly. From then on it's been a steady decline till, I don't know. I think the past almost a year? Things still bother me but I have much more energy efficient ways of dealing with it now. That's pretty much my story, and I don't wanna delve too deep into what exactly bothers me and how I dealt with it as it is still triggering. But for those of you who have OCD, you'll definitely tend to find that what bothers you changes. Something will bother you some days, and not bother you at all other days. Then over months, what used to bother you will fade away, then something else will take its place. It's a never ending vicious cycle, and I don't know exactly what causes it, but it's fucking terrible and still haunts me. Even if these meds I'm still on have help tons, I'm not sure this will be a disease that can ever be cured fully, or that I can be the way I used to ever again. What is certain, is that my life is at the very least bearable again, and some of the time enjoyable..

Now what's eerie is that a long time friend of mine began showing signs of more severe mental illness, getting to the point where he had to take 2 different meds a day. Then another more recent friend of mine opened up and said that it'd been very mild for a very long time but recently got unbearable. Like you, this person has been diagnosed with clinical depression, although she suspects she has some schizophrenia as well. THEN just over this summer my brother, who's been mildly idiosyncratic most of his life just like the rest of the people mentioned including myself, showed extremely similar OCD tendencies to what I currently face now, and that's the scariest part. Like I can barely accept that to be coincidence, for me to not only be dealing with something right now and he's going through the exact same thing? And it's not something general like "life is terrible" or whatever, it's a very specific thing both of us are dealing with which seemed to start up around the same time. Like Geez.

The other point I wanted to make with this is that it seems like those of us who have these mental illnesses more often than not have an extremely mild form of it in their childhood. My recent friend has said this, my brother has said this, my long time friend has had a variety of mental illnesses in the past, and I can say the same thing. It's a very common childhood example, but I'd always imagine when laying down that if I didn't bring my legs up past a certain line, a monster would get me. But I seriously worried about this, even though deeply I knew it wouldn't happen. And I did it anyway, because this same voice which was much tamer at this time told me I had to do that. Turns out the monster was him all along..... I've always had issues with certain textures of objects that would remind me of bad things, but it got much worse from a certain incident involving that in early 2015. and that's as much as I'm willing to say about what exactly triggers my OCD, but to be honest it's branched out from there and it's not just limited to texture anymore, in fact that's gone fairly minor now. It just started all of this that formed a concept, upon which other OCD tendencies have formed. In fact typing this out made me realize it was all about this all along, and I've never ever thought about it this deeply before, see this is what happens when you open up and think things through, whether it's to yourself or something else, that can help you get through an illness.

Now I've noticed that you're talking about how some themes make you uncomfortable, and how you can't really enjoy these songs because they make your depression worse. I could definitely see how this would play a part, and with me there's certain songs that have certain themes, not really mood wise for me, but things I just "don't like" I guess that I can't listen to because of this. So I can relate to it in that way, but in a mood sense I actually prefer listening to songs that line up with my mood. Yes if I'm sad it'll make me even more sad, but it's that theme fitting that actually helped me cope, this is a part of why I live for music, because it just enhances whatever I'm feeling at the time. I like getting deeper into my emotions and enhancing them, and music helps me do that. Not anger of course, and it doesn't promote anger to the point of doing that, it's more of a harmless anger, but if I am feeling legitimate anger it can be extremely relatable and all the better, for me mood doesn't get "stuck" like that so I can delve as deep into any emotion and I'll be fine and great. I especially found some songs to be very relatable. Among others, the Mouldplay classic "Only Superstition" and "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum. At my worst I found I was really enjoying some Linkin Park, One Step Closer couldn't be more relatable if it tried. It's almost as if he had these same things going on and it at least annoyed Chester in the exact same way it was bugging me. Just the themes are almost the same!

Just as a quick explanation, depression is NOT the same as sadness. It's very hard/impossible to understand if you have never felt it.

I know this all too well too. I personally don't suffer from chronic depression but a friend does and it can be VERY serious. I definitely know it's not just "sadness" too, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes...... well, I can't describe it because I don't have depression, but for those of you who do have depression you know exactly what @I ran away is talking about.
And especially because you're a prominent community member who I know very well and have these connections with I'm even more sorry to hear this.

Because mental health is so important and it needs to get more awareness and understanding in the general public, and I'm trying to do my bit.

Thanks for sharing, it takes a lot to share something so personal out in the universe like this.

Mental health is such a serious problem that gets ignored in society. Especially in my own demographic of young men in their twenties, I know all too well how depression can take someone’s beautiful soul and just wreck it entirely.

I know right?!?!!? There's this social stigma around it, really no matter what age you are, although it's more severe in some people's cases, and this causes people to bottle up and thus most of the time it gets worse. My recent friend has done this as mentioned above, and I did it for a long time until she opened up to me about it in September of last year. She was the first person outside my family I told about this, and then it was just kept to the small friend group. I know that because of this she has certain tendencies that have embarrassed her in public before. I've always been extremely cautious in public not to stand out or look like a fool, because I didn't want people thinking I was weird. I've always been an introvert and I've always just wanted to blend in, be invisible ya know. It just gets bottled up, and this relates back to the whole topic of, we need to let people know about this. It sucks when there's been people that are victims of being slaves to modern society and what being "normal" is like, and to reject anything outside that, but it's definitely good to open up to friends and family you trust and can count on. And when the world's ready, we'll hopefully be able to be entirely transparent about everything we're going through. Just too much drama and bad in the world to do that yet..... huh that kind of relates to this EL theme :O

Almost exactly one year ago, I was at an absolute low point. I missed watching AHFODFilm in the cinema because I was hospitalized on the morning of that very day.

Too relatable, if you've read above you'll see I've had a similar experience.

That freaking sucks though, holy shit I didn't know it was bad enough for you to be hospitalized

One year on, I'm much more stable but there are times when I'm still feeling very depressed despite ongoing therapy. This illness has cost me a lot. I think it has even cost me a friendship that was very dear to me.

Mental illness has ups and downs. Even now in a much milder state, I have some good and bad days. Bad nowhere near as what it used to be thankfully, but everybody's different. I hope you get well soon, as always.

I hate thinking about that time. I dislike that version of myself so much.

TOO RELATABLE

I’m grateful you’ve done us all a service with this thread and your assessments. I’ll be skipping the songs you mention above for now.

Remember everybody's different and you might not react to those songs as she did. Better to be safe than sorry though, and if EL triggered you it's best to stay away for now.

I mean, I'm aware there is nothing in the world forcing me to listen to the new Coldplay album, it's just that I have a strong urge to,

Too relatable, happens to the best of us, we just can't resist some good ol' Coldplay

 

[iamsue]

Alright so firstly I am so sorry to hear this. I think I heard you mention that somewhere before here tbh. It wasn't something I thought much about though. I swear I remember you saying this though. But in any case I am so sorry for you and I sincerely hope you do get better soon, because mental illness SUCKS and I can speak from experience. My thoughts go out to everybody affected by this, but most specifically in this thread @I ran away who was suffering very severely, and @Famous Old Painter as well.

For my story: I don't have clinical depression so I can't relate as specifically to what you're talking about, but I am on the OCD spectrum and I've experienced it all, from extremely mild starting from a specific event in March of 2015 that is still too triggering to talk about, but steadily and sneakily increasing for the first year and a half, then getting progressively worse and worse at the end of 2016 and into 2017. It was around this point that it was getting too severe that I couldn't hide it anymore. I figured at the beginning that I'd be older and wiser enough to deal with these issues and I'd be fine, but being so naive and not realizing so many people deal with the exact same issues growing up I had little Idea that I was almost literally "dead" wrong. I would be picky to the point where I just had to open up to my parents about it. I swore to not tell ANYBODY else about it, although the other people in the household began to take notice as well. I just didn't want word to spread outside the household and for people to make fun at me about it. I just didn't want to lose anyone, that was my fear (and as you mentioned, you actually lost somebody probably because of this, which is too bad that some people who are "normal" act that way and reject everybody else, it's just that social stigma and our fear of losing people that prevents us from opening up).

It got to the point where I was having complete mental breakdowns where there was this voice saying terrible things making me feel bad, and to stop it I'd self-injure, it'd get bad enough for me to do that around every two weeks. Then around April of 2017 it was every week. Eventually it was every few days, then every day in May 2017. June was arguably my low point, as I was having these meltdowns sometimes a few times a day. My parents threatened me with the emergency room, which we went to a few times but didn't actually get out as I managed to calm myself down enough. I had to calm down enough, because we were going on vacation and they were saying they might cancel it because I was that unstable. And I REALLY needed to get out of this ugly place, I felt that vacation would do me a very good job. I managed to keep things under wraps forcefully for a while, but that didn't fix the underlying issue whatsoever. We go on vacation and because I've been bottling this up it began to creep back again. I remember a freakout actually happening sort of out in the open, there weren't many people around, there was 1 though. He didn't really notice, but I was screaming and I threw my phone, lost a part of it and the screen was a little cracked where it hit the ground but it still worked fine, and would probably still work fine to this day if I hadn't sold it to get another phone.

Anyhow the big turnaround moment was on a specific day where there was supposed to be a huge fireworks show that was supposed to look really awesome. I seen something that triggered me and as usual I go into full meltdown mode. It was when I was in the truck, I'd seen other things that day that made me uncomfortable but that was the last straw. Was taken to the emergency room against my will, but it was definitely for the better. Ended up staying 5 or 6 hours there, which I know is nothing compared to some visits. But it was enough to make me miss the show, that I had planned for months, I had my playlist all set up and ready to go for it (hopefully you can tell how passionate I am about music now). I could hear my voice looking down and knowing that whatever they'd give me would make him go away, but at the very least "he was able to take away this show from me". I'm just very glad it wasn't a Coldplay concert. Series of doctors came in, pretty much asking me the same thing. Got extremely tiring after a while just saying the same thing over and over again, I don't know why they just don't bring in the biggest wig firstly. I guess he was busy and they were sending in lower level people first, but yeah. You could just tell the top psychiatrist was looking straight through you, could understand so well..... He was gonna give me some Prozac but a short term fix would be the.... I can't remember the name of it but it was a tiny little white dot, and it totally shut off all your emotions. It worked very well in the short term but you'd need to keep taking it so it would stop. It made me feel like a robot without emotion, and it was freaking terrible. But it was FAR better than having to deal with all that other garbage. They were considering keeping me for the night just to keep an eye on me, but I had calmed down enough by that point that they sent me back. At first they wanted to fly me home, and I was like nooooo way. I managed to win the rest of the trip back, but the last few days got stressful again, as I was not yet on Prozac, and even then it takes a few weeks to kick in so I wouldn't have felt the effect anyway. The day was a complete wreck by the way, just like every day was that had a meltdown. Once you expend that much bad energy on something like that, you just feel empty and torn up inside. You might be fine but it just doesn't feel very good whatsoever.

Got home and got on the Prozac.... after about four weeks it was doing freaking wonders. I still had those issues but they cooled off significantly, I wasn't freaking out as often anymore, and I could actually live life. I still had the tendencies I had in the past, but they didn't bother me as much and I could deal with it, even if it was in a very weird way, calmly. From then on it's been a steady decline till, I don't know. I think the past almost a year? Things still bother me but I have much more energy efficient ways of dealing with it now. That's pretty much my story, and I don't wanna delve too deep into what exactly bothers me and how I dealt with it as it is still triggering. But for those of you who have OCD, you'll definitely tend to find that what bothers you changes. Something will bother you some days, and not bother you at all other days. Then over months, what used to bother you will fade away, then something else will take its place. It's a never ending vicious cycle, and I don't know exactly what causes it, but it's fucking terrible and still haunts me. Even if these meds I'm still on have help tons, I'm not sure this will be a disease that can ever be cured fully, or that I can be the way I used to ever again. What is certain, is that my life is at the very least bearable again, and some of the time enjoyable..

Now what's eerie is that a long time friend of mine began showing signs of more severe mental illness, getting to the point where he had to take 2 different meds a day. Then another more recent friend of mine opened up and said that it'd been very mild for a very long time but recently got unbearable. Like you, this person has been diagnosed with clinical depression, although she suspects she has some schizophrenia as well. THEN just over this summer my brother, who's been mildly idiosyncratic most of his life just like the rest of the people mentioned including myself, showed extremely similar OCD tendencies to what I currently face now, and that's the scariest part. Like I can barely accept that to be coincidence, for me to not only be dealing with something right now and he's going through the exact same thing? And it's not something general like "life is terrible" or whatever, it's a very specific thing both of us are dealing with which seemed to start up around the same time. Like Geez.

The other point I wanted to make with this is that it seems like those of us who have these mental illnesses more often than not have an extremely mild form of it in their childhood. My recent friend has said this, my brother has said this, my long time friend has had a variety of mental illnesses in the past, and I can say the same thing. It's a very common childhood example, but I'd always imagine when laying down that if I didn't bring my legs up past a certain line, a monster would get me. But I seriously worried about this, even though deeply I knew it wouldn't happen. And I did it anyway, because this same voice which was much tamer at this time told me I had to do that. Turns out the monster was him all along..... I've always had issues with certain textures of objects that would remind me of bad things, but it got much worse from a certain incident involving that in early 2015. and that's as much as I'm willing to say about what exactly triggers my OCD, but to be honest it's branched out from there and it's not just limited to texture anymore, in fact that's gone fairly minor now. It just started all of this that formed a concept, upon which other OCD tendencies have formed. In fact typing this out made me realize it was all about this all along, and I've never ever thought about it this deeply before, see this is what happens when you open up and think things through, whether it's to yourself or something else, that can help you get through an illness.

Now I've noticed that you're talking about how some themes make you uncomfortable, and how you can't really enjoy these songs because they make your depression worse. I could definitely see how this would play a part, and with me there's certain songs that have certain themes, not really mood wise for me, but things I just "don't like" I guess that I can't listen to because of this. So I can relate to it in that way, but in a mood sense I actually prefer listening to songs that line up with my mood. Yes if I'm sad it'll make me even more sad, but it's that theme fitting that actually helped me cope, this is a part of why I live for music, because it just enhances whatever I'm feeling at the time. I like getting deeper into my emotions and enhancing them, and music helps me do that. Not anger of course, and it doesn't promote anger to the point of doing that, it's more of a harmless anger, but if I am feeling legitimate anger it can be extremely relatable and all the better, for me mood doesn't get "stuck" like that so I can delve as deep into any emotion and I'll be fine and great. I especially found some songs to be very relatable. Among others, the Mouldplay classic "Only Superstition" and "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum. At my worst I found I was really enjoying some Linkin Park, One Step Closer couldn't be more relatable if it tried. It's almost as if he had these same things going on and it at least annoyed Chester in the exact same way it was bugging me. Just the themes are almost the same!




I know this all too well too. I personally don't suffer from chronic depression but a friend does and it can be VERY serious. I definitely know it's not just "sadness" too, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes...... well, I can't describe it because I don't have depression, but for those of you who do have depression you know exactly what @I ran away is talking about.
And especially because you're a prominent community member who I know very well and have these connections with I'm even more sorry to hear this.








I know right?!?!!? There's this social stigma around it, really no matter what age you are, although it's more severe in some people's cases, and this causes people to bottle up and thus most of the time it gets worse. My recent friend has done this as mentioned above, and I did it for a long time until she opened up to me about it in September of last year. She was the first person outside my family I told about this, and then it was just kept to the small friend group. I know that because of this she has certain tendencies that have embarrassed her in public before. I've always been extremely cautious in public not to stand out or look like a fool, because I didn't want people thinking I was weird. I've always been an introvert and I've always just wanted to blend in, be invisible ya know. It just gets bottled up, and this relates back to the whole topic of, we need to let people know about this. It sucks when there's been people that are victims of being slaves to modern society and what being "normal" is like, and to reject anything outside that, but it's definitely good to open up to friends and family you trust and can count on. And when the world's ready, we'll hopefully be able to be entirely transparent about everything we're going through. Just too much drama and bad in the world to do that yet..... huh that kind of relates to this EL theme :O




Too relatable, if you've read above you'll see I've had a similar experience.

That freaking sucks though, holy shit I didn't know it was bad enough for you to be hospitalized




Mental illness has ups and downs. Even now in a much milder state, I have some good and bad days. Bad nowhere near as what it used to be thankfully, but everybody's different. I hope you get well soon, as always.




TOO RELATABLE




Remember everybody's different and you might not react to those songs as she did. Better to be safe than sorry though, and if EL triggered you it's best to stay away for now.




Too relatable, happens to the best of us, we just can't resist some good ol' Coldplay

CP3176,

You spoke of the courage it takes to share... and you just lived that example better than I ever could. I’m so glad it brought you some self-realizations, too. For what you’ve taught all of us about OCD, you deserve something good in return!!

by the way... I also have a mini Chester who I now recognize in your example. Since it’s nighttime now, I see him in my same tendency to avoid letter my hands go over the side of the bed, lest the monster under it pulls me under with him. Not to try to play Psychologist here, but I wonder if that’s a metaphor...fear of being pulled under the bed representing fear of mental illness doing one in???

I have a meditation app (Calm) and this afternoon finished a series on dealing with physical pain. In short, it says our experience of pain is not only physical, but auditory (our self talk about the pain), visual (things we see in front of or behind our eyes, like a color in the pained area, or energy flow there, etc.). Finally, there’s a mental part that is the emotional aspect of being in pain (anger, frustration, resentment etc). So he had you meditate on each of these and say to yourself “feel”, “hear”, “see” or also “feel” whenever one of these parts of pain pop up for you. You repeat the word until that part feels acknowledged. Then it wondrously subsides! I practice this alot now and it helps send Chester on his own little vacation. Thought it might help you.

Lastly, I’ll share that you are so right about the age of onset of these illnesses being young. And heredity, as depression is.

 

[cp3176]

Well what I think makes it easier to share my experiences is knowing that this is a very caring community who helps each other out, and especially these threads are safe spaces to share what I've been going through, what we've all been going through. When I see someone else being courageous enough to share what they've gone through, I build up my own courage and feel ready to tell my story, And oh boy I tell you it really feels so good, instead of having everything bottled up, like I said with this social stigma, we need to ignore that and realize we all need to be more accepting. We're all human and we all need to help each other out, better ourselves, both individually and as a collective. And we can only doing that by being respectful, honest, transparent, and open about each other. I don't think this world is ready yet for everybody to be sharing what they've been going through as there's still a lot of bullies in the world who just don't care, but in safe spaces I think it can only do more good than harm to find support.

And I can't thank you enough for your kind words! It just really hit me reading your post that I shared some deeply personal stuff there, but hey people have also done that in this thread, and I feel comfortable with this community so I know that I won't get made fun of for it, and if I do who cares? They're some starnger on the internet who I'll never see again and will likely see repercussions for their actions.

That metaphor you speak of is actually really interesting. What if, in your example, the dark place under the bed represents mental illness and the monster represents what would pull you into it? And fear of being pulled under the bed by the monster is representative of being pulled by the monster into unescapable mental illness? Neither will happen if we have the willpower, but it's definitely an interesting metaphor to think about. Thanks for sharing that.

I might have to try that meditation app, I don't have much issues now but hey it can't hurt! Thanks for the tips you've shared from that, I might have to try that sometime!

Most illnesses begin way earlier than we give it credit for. Even if it's a mental illness that "began" in adolescence or even adulthood, it can usually be traced back to an extremely mild form in childhood. It happens to the best of us, it's almost like we were doomed, we were fated to have it. We just didn't see the signs, we just think they're mild idiosyncrasies that don't hurt. And they're harmless at the time, but they have a strong potential to grow into much larger monsters later on in life. And I say this, for any of you with children, or any younger people on here because I was a young teenager when this first started, and my brother only got seriously attacked by his illness at 24, if they/you have been showing mild signs of anything please take care and notice, talk about it with them or open up to yourself. Having the mindset that "it'll go away as they'Il grow older and wiser and more mature" can be a fatal mindset. Better safe than sorry, I speak from experience, and on behalf of many other's experiences. Please get help if you're even noticing these small things, and you can prevent the hell that me and many others have went through by seeking it earlier than we did.

 

[alexis16]

I feel like listening to this album can potentially make you even more depressed.
I was wondering how you cope with what music does to your feelings, and if anybody has similar feelings about Everyday Life or sees it differently.

Thank you @ I ran away, and everyone else as well for sharing. I have been thinking of all of you since this thread was started, wondering what I should say/how I should share. Please know I have been thinking of all of you and your struggles, hoping that everyone has better days ahead!

I too have battled with anxiety and depression as long as I can remember, my whole life really. This is due to trauma during infancy/toddler years. Well, I finally decided to come on here and say something after listening to Daddy. That song just hit a raw nerve that I have never brought to the surface. I've been breaking down on and off since listening to it, as emotions that I have never let myself deal with, and maybe never realized were there, are coming out.

I have been a coldplay fan since I was in middle school, in 2000 when Yellow came out. When the AROBTH album came out I put it in my CD player with my headphones on every night and it put me to sleep. I did this for a whole year, every single night. The songs from that album and Yellow were the first ones that helped me in my moments of anxiety and depression through middle school. These songs were friends that understood how I felt, and were just there for me, if that makes any sense. For this reason Coldplay will always be my favorite band. Through high school and into adulthood, and even currently in my life, these albums have always been there for me. I can remember when each Coldplay album came out, and what I was going through in my life at the time, and how they helped me.

There are times I go long periods of time without listening to Coldplay, and then times when I come back to them and listen to the albums exclusively and constantly. Sometimes the albums do make me depressed, but at other times, they help me process and go through the feelings and experiences associated with my past trauma. It is in dealing with these emotions head on that bring me to healing.

I am fully aware that listening to this album, and past ones, may and have made me more depressed at times. Like today, I listened to Daddy and was so excited because it was an Oldplay style song that reminded me so much of the Coldplay I grew up with. However, I wasn't expecting it to hit me that hard with the lyrics, and here I am a mess again, depressed... knowing that this may last for a bit.

I think part of of it for me is that I know, and am fully aware that Coldplay and their albums can make me feel this way. Many times when I am depressed, Coldplay is what I want to listen to, and it will make my depression worse. However, there isn't anything else that I want to listen to. Other times, when I am depressed it will make the depression easier... it's hard to know, just depends on how I am at that time. Despite this, I really embrace it, because at least for me, I know that there is a light at the end of my depression and it doesn't last forever. And, at the other end, I have found I am one step further in the healing process. I don't know if anyone can relate to what I mean when I say that. But, for the last almost 20 years, I have come to know these songs will help me, and I will be okay.

So, that's how I cope. I lean into the feelings I am having, put the songs on repeat, get my journal out and let myself experience whatever I am going through. Then, if I need to I will talk to my therapist, or the people close to me who I can trust to help me though.

I am so thankful that Coldplay and their music exists. Honestly, Coldplay (and a lot of therapy) have brought me a long way, and I don't know where I would be without it.